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* STANDARD AND MINOR DRAMA. 

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My Awful Wife. 


COM ED Y. 


WITH OAST OF CHARACTERS, ENTRANCES AND 
EXITS, RELATIVE POSITIONS uF THE PERFORMERS 
ON THE STAGE, DESCRI PTION OF COSTUMES AND 
THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS ; CARE¬ 
FULLY MARKED FROM THE MOST AP¬ 
PROVED ACTING COPY. * 


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My Awful Wife.4 




A. COMEDY 


Co 


iS IN FOUR ACTS. 


— BY — 


Joseph H. Slater, 


, j 


-TO WHICH 18 ADDED- 

A DESCRIPTION OF TH E ('OSTITM ES—CAST OF THE CHAR AC¬ 
TED S—ENTRANCES AND EXITS—RELATIVE POS1TION8 


OF THE PERFORMERS ON THE STALE. AND THE 


WHOMCOF THE STAGE liUSlNESS. 


Entered according to act of Congress in the yejir 1009 by 
A ME S' PUBLISHING CO.. 

in the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington. 


AMES’ PF PUSHING 00 


CLYDE. OHIO: 





MY A WFUL WfVK. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS. 


. 2 ^ ^ 


Jasper Jay Muddle, . A hen-pecked husband . 

Chaui.es Melrose, ) , , , ; , .. i.da Bramble's lover. 

I>H. Cranium. f (can d„nbU) . A Mind SptcuilUt. 

Piiineas Dabbler, .1// Inventor and a friend of Jasper' Muddle. 

Deacon Jeremiah Spyder, . A snake in the pi-ass. 

Sammy Cobbs, .. Looking for a job. 

Iceman Maloney. . The village ice peddler. 

Inspector Pin< him .:. An officer of the late. 

Mrs. Jezabel Muddle, . Jasper Jay Muddle's wife. 

Ada Bramble. Mrs. Muddle's daughter. 

Sally Smart,.. Servant, 


T1MK OF FLA VI A (/ —2 hoars and SO minutes. 


SYNOPSIS OX LAST PACE. 


All Professional Rights Reserved by the Author. 

Permission to produce this Play must be obtained from The 
Ames’ Publishing Co., Clyde, O This does not apply to Amateurs. 


PROPER T l FS. 

ACT 1.—Table and two chairs, sofa, furniture and bric-a-brac, 
hassock, screen, curtains for bet ween two (lies, razor and strop for 
.Muddle, sealed telegram for Sally, novel for Ada. 

ACT II. Poker chips and matches for Muddle, playing cards for 
Deacon Spyder. 

ACT III. —Call bell, medicine case with a couple of vials and a 
whiskey flask for Dabbler, 

ACT IV. Wine bottle, two glasses and cigar box with a few 
cigars for Muddle, two chunks of ice and an ice prong for iceman, 
warrant for officer. 


COSTUMES. 

Jasper Muddle. —Light gray suit, gray bald wig and side 
whiskers. 

Dabbler. —Light summer suit, plug hat and full beard. 

Charles.— Light or navy blue suit. 

Deacon Spyder. —Plack Prince Albert coat and trousers and side 
whiskers. 

1)r. Cranium. —Gray Prince Albert coat and trousers, gray bald 
wig. | 

Officer. —Dark business suit. . ; 

Sammy. —Light suit, (loud pateHi*) — first wig red, second a plain 
sculp, third a brown dress wig. 

Mrs. Muddle. -Dark house dress. 

Ada. Light summer costumes. 

Sally. —Servants house dress, white apron. 


©Cl,D 17418 C 





















s 


AI v A vv f u 1 \Y i f e. 


ACT I. 

SCENE. Parlor; fancy door c.. oof a near l. 2 e.. table and two chairs 
k. , hassock on j floor , i,. of chair, screen up l. c. , handsome , furniture 
and bric-a-brac about room ; k. and v „ k. — Ada Bramble discovered 
seated at table . Heading a novel . 

Ada. What a noble sentiment, and how beautifully expressed. 
(reads aloud) “l want no star in Heaven to guide me; 

l want no sun, no moon to shine; 

Whilst I have you sweetheart beside me; 

Whilst, I am sure that you are mine.” 

( places book on table 

That breathes the very soul of truth and poetry. Too bad that, in 
this mercenary age “The almighty dollar” should be considered the 
beginning and end of everything. The golden kev that opens every 
door. The old adage was ••'That knowledge is power.” The 
proverb has been changed now-a-days to ‘‘Money is all powerful.” 
But let misers and cynics say what they will about love, being noth¬ 
ing but romantic nonsense. In spite of them all, l shall still main¬ 
tain there is such a thing as true love. I know it — l feel it. (rises 

Enter Sally Smart, l,. c. e. 


Sally. Me too. 

Ada. What do you mean. Sally? 

Sally. Oh nothing at all. Miss Ada. just talking to uayself, that’s 
all. I came to tell you that Mr. Charles Melrose wishes to see you. 

Ada. Does he know I’m in, Sally? 

Sally. I don’t think so, Miss, unless he peeped through the key¬ 
hole. 

Ada. Oh, I’m sure he wouldn’t do that. Do you think that 
mother saw him coming? 

Sally No Miss, l don’t think as how she did. She’s taking her 
afternoon’s nap, and unless slur sleeps like a jack rabbit, with her 
eyes open, she couldn’t see him. 

Ada. So much the better. She has no particular love for him, 
and I hope he may escape her watchful eye this time. Sally, show 
him in. 

Sally, (starts to go) You bet your life. 

Ada. Stay a moment, Sally, I have a favor to ask of you. 



4 


MY A WFTTL WIFE. 




Sally, i ain’t got a cent, Miss. 

Ada. (laughs) Oh, I’m not going to borrow anything of you. I 
only wish to ask you to try and give up the use of vulgar slang. 

Sally. You bet your bools l will! {exit c e. 

Ada. Bet your boots! What horrible language that girl makes 
use of, but with all her faults, Sally is a, good and useful servant. 
And the reason mother tolerates her is, because she well knows she 
couldn't get anyone else to do as much work for so small a salary. 

Eater Sally and Chaki.es Melrose, c. e. 

Charles. (embraces Ada) Ada, darling. 

Sally. Yum—yum, my sugar plum. 

Ada. Sally, leave the room. 

Sally. Oh, I tumble, two is company and three is a crowd; but 
you needn’t mind me, Miss, l wouldn’t give you away for the world, 
for I’ve been there myself many a time. ( exit l. k. 

Charles. Well Ada, L am delighted to find you in at last. I’ve 
called so often only to find you out, that 1 almost despaired of ever 
seeing you again. To catch you at home is a. rare and a welcome 
treat. 

Ada. Pressing business must plead my excuse; and besides I’ve 
been very much engaged for some time past. 

Charles. Yes, you’ve been engaged to me for some time past, and 
consequently, 1 imagined that I ought to have had some of your 
time. 

Ada. Be seated {points to sofa) and I’ll explain. 

Charles, {xits on sofa) Certaiuly. (Ada xitx on chair at table) Well 
Ada, this sofa can accommodate two. If you ,sit over there, I’ll 
have to get a telephone to talk to you, distance doesn’t lend en¬ 
chantment to this view. 

Ada. Oh well, as you wish. {laughs and sits on sofa beside him 

Charles. Well dear, how is your respected, but obstinate mamma? 
Is she as much opposed to our marriage as ever? Does she show 
any signs of relenting yet? 

Ada. None whatever; and for the present we must not think of 
marrying, as l fear she will never give her consent. 

Charles. Then we must marry without it. 

Ada. That’s easier said than done. Mother is very sharp, and it 
would be impossible to outwit her. 

Charles. Impossible! There is nothing impossible under the sun. 

Ada. But if we should fail? 

Charles. Fail! In the bright lexicon of lovers, there is no such 
word as fail, we must not think of it. Failure is a word invented 
by cowards, for cowards, brave men don’t know the meaning of it. 
Love laughs at Locksmiths, and we shall laugh at your obstinate 
mamma. Let her do her worst, we shall defy her. Since she will 
not. listen to reason, we must try strategem, we can elope; it’s sensa¬ 
tional and romantic. 

Ada. I know it’s romantic, but is it prudent? 

Charles. Love and prudence don’t always go together. It’s a rai\ 
combination. 

Ada. But is it the only alternative? 

Charles. Elopement is the only alternative as far as l can see. 
Desperate diseases require desperate remedies. We must overcome 


» 


MY A WFZ T L WIFE. 


5 


her nhst iuacy by our diplomacy. Your respected mamma has had 
altogether too much of her own way in the past. She rules this 
hou>e-hold with an iron hand. 

Ada. Quite true, you see mother is a woman of mind. 

Charles. Yes, and she takes a positive delight in letting other 
people know that she has a mind, and a very disagreeable one at 
that. For my part. I have the greatest respect and admiral ion for 
woman in her proper sphere. I love to think of her as a ministering 
angel on earth, and worship her as such, but when she becomes a 
domestic tyrant with the temper of a devil— 

Mr*. Muddle, (heard calling off r. &.) Sally! Sally! 

Ada. (risen and crosses to k. c.) She’s coming. 

Evtes Sam.y l. 3 e. and crosses to k. 3 e. 

Sally. Yon bet she’s coming. Look out for the locomotive! 

(exit u. 3 e. 

Charles, (rises) Oh well, let her come. I am not afraid to beard 
the lioness in her den. 

Ada. For my sake, Charles, do not aggravate her, but try and 
humor her. 

Charles. Well, I’ll try, and if at first l don’t succeed, 1 shall not 
try again. I don’t believe in humoring people, it’s very much like 
spoiling children, and we all know the result in such cases. 

Enter Mrs. Muddle, k. 3 k., comes c. 

Mrs. if. So Mr. Melrose, notwithstanding my positive orders, and 
against my expressed wishes, you again dare to intrude yourself in 
my house. Why is this? 

Charles. I shall gladly explain the why and the wherefore, Madam, 
if you’ll hear me patiently to the end. 

Mrs. M. 1 understand, sir, you are paying your addresses to my 
daughter? 

Charles. St) 1 understand, Madam. 1 own to the soft impeach¬ 
ment, but I offer as an excuse, the love l bear your daughter. 

Mrs. M. Love, bah! Don’t talk to me of love. 

Charles. Ob, I am not talking to you of love; 1 am just talking to 
myself. 1 suppose you won’t object to that? 

Mrs. M. Enough, sir! You must resign all pretensions to her 
hand, in plainer words, you must give her up. 

Charles. I’m not so sure about that—I must first consult her as 
for me. my only answer to that is, “1 would not if I could, and I 
could not if l would.” 

Mrs. .1/. And my answer to such sentimental rubbish is, to re¬ 
mind you once for all, that this is my house, and your presence here 
is obnoxious to me. And moreover, I must remind you, that in the 
future you must discontinue your clandestine visits to ur»y daughter. 
Our interview is now at an end. 

Ada. But mamma— 

Mrs. M. Not a word, disobedient girl! (to C^^rle^ 'mmg 

man, you see the door? ./tints to c. 

Charles. I do. Madam. I saw it as I came 

Mrs. M. You’ll see it again as you go out. 

Charles. It is a very nice door; 1 like the pavtef* very much in- 


o 


MY I WFUL WIFbJ. 


deed; ii i> large. convenient ami easy to open, in fact, it is every * 
thing l,lia.i a well regulated dour ought to be. No family ought to 
be w ithout one ol that pattern. 

Mr*. M. You will please leave this house immediately. If you 
are a gentleman you will not insult me by remaining here against 
my wishes. 

Gk<trie*. | shall certainly relieve you of my presence. I have no 
wish to intrude nor offend, but Madam, you need not imagine you 
can extinguish the passion of lo\e by parting us. Separation will 
but add fuel to the flame. *The old proverb about absence making 
t he heart grow fonder, is true in our case, but I must not stand upon 
llu* order of my going, but goat once, {atari* toward c. K.) Good¬ 
bye my dear Ada. 

Mrs. M. By what right, sir, do you call my daughter your dear 
A da 

Ada. Because, mother, 1 have given him the right, {go** to 
(Jh a it nits) I’ve promised to become his wife. 

Mrs. M. Girl! do you dare to disobey me? 

Ada. (crosses v.) Yes 1 dare, when you dema nd what is unrea¬ 
sonable. 1 am your da lighter, but not your slave, and when you ask 
me to give up the man of my choice, l simply tell you I will not do 
it! 

Mrs. V. {near chair \n.) Oh, this is too much, unnat ural, disobe¬ 
dient child, you have broken my heart. (Sai.i.y appear* ttt k. 3 k. 
I’m going to faint, 1 know 1 am oh, oh! ( falls into chair 

KuUr Sam.y, k. 3 tc. with a gla** of water, offer* it to Mrs. Mi; tun,a. 

Sally. Mere you are, Missus. 

Mr*. M. YYhat's that for? 

Sally. I heard you say you was going to faint and 1 fetched you 
a glass of water. 

Mrs. M. Take if away, I don’t want water. 

Sally, {got s to a. e. -aside) She don’t want water, shewants Old. 
Tom Gin. The next time site’s going to faint, I’ll let her faint 
Kindness is thrown a way on sttiie folks. (exit it. k. 

Mr*. M. {rise* and crosses c. to Ghaui.es) Young man, l shall 
give you just five minutes to leave this luui.se. If von are not, gent 
by that time, l shall have the servants eject you. {/joes r. c.) And 
as for you. Miss, I insist upon you breaking ofi' vonr engagement 
with tins young man, as 1 myself have already chosen a husband 
for you. (Sai.IiY appear * in r. e. 

Ada. And may I ask, mother, who is the happy man you have 
chosen for my future lord and master. 

Mr*. M. That good and worthy man. Deacon Jeremiah Spyder. 
(Ada laugh* and got* to r. corner. Sali.y screams with laughter and 
dodges back quickly- Mrs. M ijddi.k goes to k k. ) I’ll discharge that 
impudent hussy for daring to laugh at me. (exit r. k., quickly 

Charles, {goes to C.) Well Ada, what do you think of your pros¬ 
pective husband, Deacon Jeremiah Spyder? (laughs) Ha. ha, ha! 

Ada. If you say much more about him, I’ll marry him just nut 
of spite. He’s neither very young nor handsome, ’tis true, bui I 
presume he’s as good as the average man. They are all pretty much 
alike. 

Charles, (l, c.) Present company always excepted, of course. 


MY AWFUL WIFE. 


Bui there, dear, l won't lease you any more about him. Let us 
kiss and make up before we part forever. 

Ada. Oh, not forever, diaries' I am sure you don’t mean that. 

Charles. Not unless you wish it. I shall disregard your mother's 
co*mauds, unless you yourself pronounce the sentence of banish¬ 
ment for life. 

Ada. Which l shall never do. Asa merciful judge, 1 discharge 
you. You are free to go, and 1 only wish I were free to go with you. 

Charles. Let us hope that you soon shall be. Now if your step¬ 
father. Jasper Jay Muddle, had only the moral courage to revolt 
against this petticoat tyranny, he might be able to give us valuable 
assistance, but alas! poor unfortunate hen-pecked mortal, he is 
afraid to call his soul his own. 

Ada. But step-father has given us his moral assistance. 

Charles. That’s not a drop in the bucket, against your mamma's 
physical resistance. 

Ada. He has given bis consent to our union, and though his word 
has not much weight with mamma, still it’s one point gained. My 
step-lather may have his faults, but lie’s a good man at heart. YVe 
can’t all be perfect. 

Charles. That’s quite true. 

Muddle. (heard off k.) Sally, who's been opening oysters w ith my 

razor? 


Enter Jasper Jay Muddle r. 3 e., roith a razor and strop. 

Ah! Charles, how are you? Glad to see you. You are welcome to 
our house. 

Charles. Thanks, Mr. Muddle, I know you mean it; but your 
wife gave me a far different kind of a reception only a short time 
ago. 

Muddle. (sits at table) Chilly, eh ? ( places razor and. strop on table 

Charles, (sits on sofa) Chilly? 11 was extremely frigid, away be¬ 
low zero. The atmosphere at the North Pole was a summer’s sun 
compared to it. 

Ada. Yes indeed, papa, (goes to i„ of M uddi.e and kneels on has¬ 
sock beside, him) She even went so far as to forbid our marriage, and 
she actually ordered Charles out of the house. Now what do you 
think? 

Muddle. Think, my dear, 1 don’t think at all. What’s the use? 
Ever since I married your respected mamma, I’ve given up think¬ 
ing, with the profound conviction that all is vanity and vexation of 
spirit here below. 1 am supposed to he the head of this house, but 
in reality. I am only the foot, and not a very large foot at that. 

Ada. Oh papa, if you only had a will of your uw n. 

Muddle My dear, I shall make one before 1 die. 

Ada. I don’t mean that kind of a will, l mean— 

Charles. She means more ginger. 

Muddle. Jamaica ginger? 

Ada. No, l mean more force of character. 

Charles. Yes. what philosphers call moral stamina, commonly 
called grit, sand, pluck, nerve or courage. 

Muddle. Yes, 1 understand, and like money, it's a good thing to 
have when you’ve got it, but when you haven't got it, you must do 
without it. Of course, if my wife objects to the marriage, I can t 


8 


MY A WFUL WIFE. 


help it, though she didn't object toiler own. lint then, she's a very 
peculiar kind of woman. She’s one woman mil of a Ihousand, and 
sometimes l wish i had married the other 1)99, and had left my 
present wife, like the “Last Rose of Summer,’’ to bloom alone. Kill 
I’ve done al 1 1 could to make two loving hearts happy. I’ve given 
you my consent and blessing. 

Ada. But what’s the good of that? 

Muddle. What! my blessing? 

Ada. No, 1 mean your consent, if mother withholds hers. 

Charles. It’s another case of the house divided against itself 
Remember the old maxim, Mr. Muddle. 

Muddle. Yes, l remember it. 1 have moral maxims enough in 
stock to start a Sunday school. The trouble is I can’t carry any of 
them out. And I’m perfectly satisfied in my own mind, that for me 
there’s only one way out of the whole business. 

Ada. What is that? 

Muddle. Suicide! (Charles and Ada rise. 

Ada. (goes l. c.) Suicide! 

/Enter Sally k. c. e. with telegram , in time to hear last speech. 

Sally. Oh Lord! who's going to commit suicide? 

Muddle. Nobody. 

Sally. Then he won't be missed. Here's a telegram that came 
by telegraph. 

Charles, (crosses c.) Who’s it for, Sally? 

Sally, (comes c ) There’s forty cents charges on it. 

Charles. Then L hope it’s not for me. (goes to i,. corner 

Sally. No sir, it's for Jasper Jay Muddle. 

Muddle, (aside to Sally) Sally, has Mrs. Muddle seen this tele¬ 
gram ? 

Sally. No sir, unless she saw' it coming.over the wires. 

Muddle. Good! Sally, (gives her money) here’s a half a dollar and 
you can keep t he change. (opens telegram, drops envelope on floor 

Sally, (goes v.) All right, sir, I’ll blow it on chewing gum. 

(exit ii. c. E. 

Muddle, (reads telegram) Good news. 

Ada. Indeed! what is it? 

Muddle. An old friend of mine. Phineas Dabbler is coming to pay 
ns a visit. He’s got a week’s vacation, so I suppose lie’s coming to 
spend it here in the country with us. 

Charles. Phineas Dabbles, the inventor? They say he’s a little 
eccentric, but they sav that about all self-made men. 1 understand 
lie's quite a genius with an original turn of mind. 

Ada. (c.) Yes, but lie has also the reputation of being eccentric, 
in fact lie's called by some, a regular crank, and perhaps mother 
may object to his presence in this house. 

Muddle. That’s so, I never thought of that. She does not know 
who Dabbler is, and she may not want to know who Dabbler is. L 
must break it. to her as gently as possible. 

Charles. Mr. Muddle, your wife gave me just five minutes to leave 
the house, and as I have remained beyond the limit now. I'd better 
be going. Ada will you accompany me as far as the gate. 

(crosses c. 


MY .1 tyfUL WIFE. 


9 


Ada. I can see him as far as t he gale, papa, can 1 noi •. 

Muddle, (rites) Why certainly, my hear, see him as far as the. 
gate, but don’t take the gate along with you. 

Ada. Come along. Charles. (exit k. e. 

Charles. Good-day M r. Muddle. (shakes hands 

Muddle. Good-day, Charles. 1 hope you’ll be happier with the 
daughter than I've been with the mother. 

Charles , ( laughs ) 1 hope so, Mr. Muddle, but as you know mar¬ 
riage is a lottery, and we can’t all draw prjzes. 

Ada. (heard off u, <. rc.) Are you coming, Charles? 

Charles. Yes, I’m coming, (to Muddle) So long Mr. Muddle. 

(exit k. e. 

Muddle. He said marriage was a lottery. In some states lotteries 
are against the law. It’ that be so, marriages ought to be against 
the law also, and I may have committed a states prison offense in 
getting married. She accompanies him as far as the gate. Love’s 
young dream. Alas, how often have I seen the present Mrs. Muddle 
as far as the gate, (sits k.) Ah! those happy bv-gone days, when l 
used to sit on the gate of an evening and swing myself to and fro, 
and when l think of that time and now of this, I deeply regret, that 
while I was swinging, I didn’t swing myself into eternity and end 
my miserable existence then and there, (looks at telegram) Now' I 
shall read this telegram in full, for no doubt Dabbler was full when 
he sent it. (reads) “1 am coming to spend my vacation with you. 
Your favorite pet dog, Fannie accompanies me. Mums the word. 
Eternal vigilance the watch word. Dabbler.” Fannie is a beauti¬ 
ful Irish setter dog, to which my ex-wife was warmly attached, so 
much so that I called the dog Fannie, the sanae name as ray former 
wife. She loved dogs just as much as my present wife hates them; 
and so when T married my second wife, I had to give poor Fannie 
away to Dabbler, knowing that he would take good care of lu*r. 

( places telegram on table 

Enter Deacon Spydkr, k. e., stops and listens , unobserved by Muddle 

Well I’m.glad that Fannie is coming here—though under no circum¬ 
stances must my wife know anything about it. She is of such a 
jealous disposition, she can’t even tolerate the name of Fannie. If 
she knew it the devil would be to pay, 

Deacon, (aside) What horrible plot is this 1 hear? Fannie, his 
divorced wife coming to this neighborhood. I shall hide and listen. 

(conceals himself behind screen 
Muddle, (looks at watch) Well I suppose Dabbler will come from 
l lie city by the 2:30 p. m. train. I guess I’d better meet him at the 
depot, and at the same time find some place in the neighborhood 
where we can conceal Fannie; thus l can kill two birds with one 
stone. («»# k. e. 

Deacon, (comes from behind screen) Oh, the monster of iniquity is 
about to bring his first wife, Fannie, into this neighborhood. 1 feel 
it my duty as a Christian man, to inform the present Mrs. Muddle, 
of this outrageous conduct on the part of her wicked husband. Oh, 
the depravity of human nature is shocking. 


10 MY A WFUL WIFE. 

Filler Sally, l. e., in time to hear the word “shocking” unseen by 
Dracon, who is k. c. , sees telegram on table. 

Ah! this is the very telegram, the proof of his perfidy. 1 feel it my 
duty as a Christian man to keep this telegram. 

Sally, {aside) The first time I’ve ever heard it was a Christian 
duly to steal other folks property. 

Deacon. I’ll expose the infamy of her worthless husband; I'll show 
him up in his true character of a scoundrel. {turns, sees Sam-y 

Deacon. Ah. friend Sally, I hope I see you well. t 

Sally. I guess you can see me well enough, if you ain’t blind. I 
take notice you see other things that don’t belong to you. 

Deacon. Don’t be too harsh, friend Sally. Remember that a soft 
answer lurneth away wrath. 

Sally. If you don’t want a soft answer, don’t ask a soft question. 
Remember that, {aside) That old hypocrite makes me sick. 

{■•at* on sofa 

Deacon, (sits at table) Ah, friend Sally, this is a w icked world. 

Sally. The people that are in it make it so, and what are you 
goiug to do about it? 

Deacon. Reform mankind. 

Sally, (jumps up) A good idea! A capital idea. Suppose you 
Commence on yourself. 

Deacon. Ah, friend Sally, this levity is unbecoming--there are 
more, people in the world than I. (sit* 

Sally , Perhaps so, but most of them are in states prison. 

Deacon. Verily this is a perverse generation; it’s a world of sin 
and temptation, trial and tribulation. Oh, the depravity of human 
nal ure. 

Sally, {half aside, imitate* him) Oh, you make me tired. 

Deacon. What did you remark, friend Sally? 

Sally. I said you spoue like one inspired. 

Deacon, in the midst of life we are in death. Now* friend, Sally, 
take the advice of one who has vour spiritual welfare at heart., and 
fW from the wrath to come! flee from it! 

Sally, (rise*, indignantly) Don’t talk to me about lleas. Now set 
here. Deacon Spyder. I ain’t as w'ell posted in Scripture and book- 
learning as you are; but I once heard of a man who got, very rich bv 
minding his own business. 1 know some people who preach so 
much about religion to others, they ain’t got time to practice it 
hem.selves. There now, put that in your pipe and smoke it. 

(goes to i,. k. 

Deacon, (rises) Verily you area child of sin, you are treading the 
stepp and narrow-path that leads to perdition. 

Sally. Oh well, there are others, and you won’t be very far behind 
nip. Deacon Spyder. (exit i,. k. 

Deacon. Oh, the depravity of that young woman. 1 feel it my 
duty as a Christian man, to place this telegram wher# Mrs. Muddle 
can easily find it. 

Kilter Sally l. r., hides behind screen. 

And thus I'll expose the perfidy of her sinful husband. 1 shall place 
it here ( lays telegram on table) and (goes k. c.) when the opportune 
moment comes I shall find it 


MY .1 WFUL WIFE. 


11 


Sally, (looks out from behind screvn. oxide) But I sIih.1I find it lirsl 
Deacon. Her worthies* husband, Jasper Jay Muddle, takes every 
occasion to insult tne; only the other day he called me a Catiline 
Pharisee. I shall have my revenge lor that, and this is my golden 
opportunity. (exit u. 8 e. 

Sally, {comes from behind screen , pick* up teleyrani) No. it's mine: 
tiiis is mv trick, (startsfor i„ e.) Oh! the depravity of human 
nature. (exit l. a. 

cun TA IN. 


ACT II. 

SCENE.—Same a* Act 1st. — Deacon Spvoer discovered on sofa. 

Deacon. I wish that good and pious woman. M rs. .1 e/.abel Muddle 
were here now. while her worthless husband is absent, I’d have a 
good opportunity to expose him. 

Enter M us. Muddle, k. 3 e. 

Mrs. Muddle. Good-day, Deacon Spyder. 

Deacon, (rises) Good day, Mrs. Muddle. I hope l see you well? 

Mrs. M. As well as could be expected under the circumstances, 
Deacon. He sea ted. (sits ),. of tabic 

Deacon, (sits on sofa ) You have my heartfelt sympathy, Mrs. 
Muddle, and 1 can guess the causeof your present misery. I under¬ 
stand you are not happy in your married life v 

Mrs. M. 1 confess 1 am not happy, and I’ve good cause. I fear 
my husband is a lost sheep. He is beyond mv powers of refor¬ 
mation. Good ail vice is thrown away upon him, like chatf before 
the wind. His conduct hasma.de me miserable. Marriage has been 
a failure in my case—I fear he lias never forgotten his first wife, 
Fannie. 

Deacon. But when you married him, you knew he was a divorced 
man ? 

Mrs. M. Quite true, but then I thought thateven a divorced man 
was better than no man a t all. 

Deacon. But dear Jezabel, all this time 1 was pining in secret for 
von, l had you in mv mind's eye. 

Mrs. M. But how was I to know that. I am not a mind reader. 

Deacon. Quite true. The fault was mine, all mine, (rises, crosses 
(\) And now when I think of the priceless treasure I have lost, 
when I think of what might have been. I’m almost moved to tears. 
(wipe* eyes irit.h handkerchief) But as the poet beautifully expressed 
if. “ ’Tis belter to have loved and lost, than nev er to hav e loved at 
all.” Where is your husband now, Mrs. Muddle? 

Mrs. M. I'm sure I don't know. 

Deacon. I think I can tell you. As I came up the walk, I saw him 
hastening in the direction of the- depot. 

Mrs. M. Towards ihe depot ? 

Deacon. Yes. are you expecting anybody? 

Mrs. M. No. 

Deacon. It’s very strange. He seeined agitated, and I also happen 



12 


MY A XYFUL WIFE. 


to Uuow he received a telegram. 

Mrs. M. He told me nothing of this. 

Enter Sally l. k. -is seen listening behind screen. 

Deacon. It’s my firm belief, Mrs. Muddle, that the telegram he 
received was from his divorced wife. Fannie. 

Mrs. M. That woman again, (rises) If what you say is true, I 
shall quit his roof forever. 

Deacon. And you will tty with me, your own Jeremiah Spvder. 

Sally, (aside) Making love to the old woman! Oh, the depravity 
of human nature. 

Mrs. M. (drops into chair and weeps) 1 am a most unhappy woman. 
Oh, oh, oh! 

Deacon. Dear Jezabel, do not weep, he is not worthy of one of 
those pearly tears. 

Mrs. M. (rises) You are right, he is not. I must not give way to 
such weakness. Oh, for a single proof of his perfidy. 

Deacon. And you shall have it. Bv chance 1 saw him drop the 
telegram here, (turns up stage to look for telegram) and now I —I don’t 
see it. 

Sally, (shows telegram from behind screen aside] It's another case 
of now you see it, and now you don’t. This telegra m is out of sight. 

( e.nt L. K. 

Deacon. It’s very strange, 1 can’t account for it. The. wind must 
have blown it away, (comes c.) But to convince you that lie did 
receive a telegram, here is the envelope. 

(picks up envelope c., near footlights, and hands it to Mus. Muddlb 

Mrs. M. Oh, to be convinced of the truth. 

Deacon. Verily, the truth is mighty and will prevail. 

Mrs. M. When he returns 1 shall confront him with this, and if I 
find he’s deceiving me, 1 shall leave his house forever. 

(drops in chair and weeps 

Deacon. And you would be serving him right, Mrs. Muddle. I 
will now bid you a very good day, dear Jezabel, (up c.) But keep 
an eye on your faithless husband. Man is desperately wicked and 
full of deceit. Oh, the depravity of human nature. (turns to <j. k. 

Enter Sally c. k. and collides with Dkacon as she enters. 

Sally. Oh. gel out of my way! 

Deacon. Verily, young woman, you are a stumbling block in the 
path of the righteous. (exit c. k. 

Sally, (at c. k. looking after him) Well, if I’m a stumbling-block, 
you’re a block-head, you old snake in the grass. (remains at <\ 

Mrs. M. (rises) l shall first expose his villainy, and then renounce 
him forever. Sally, come here! 

Sally. Yes, ma’am. (comes c. 

Mi's. M. Sally, do you think you could tell the truth? 

Sally. 1 think 1 could, ma’am, if I tried real hard. 

Mrs. M. 1 know you are a good girl in some respects, but you have 
one great failing; there is no believing a single word that comes out 
of your head. 

Sally. Oh, ma’am, how can you go and say such a thing as that? 
Oh, the depravity of human nature. (weeps 

Mrs. M. There, there, stop your crying, only tell me the truth 


MY AWFUL WIFE. IS 

this time, ami I’ll forgive you for the many lies you have told me 
iu the past. 

Sully. 1 will, ma'am, I'll tell you the truth this time, if I never 
tell it again in all my life. What do you want to know? 

Mr*. M. L wish to know who brought a telegram to my husband? 

Sally. It' I tell you, you won’t give me away, will you? 

Mr*. M. No, 1 won’t give you away as jou call it, if you tell me 
the truth. 

Sally. I’ll tell you the truth, Missis, because 1 cannot tell a lie. 
It was old Deacon Spyder that brought it. 

Mrs. M. Deacon Spyder! Are you sure of it? 

Sally. Deacon Spyder was the last man 1 saw with the telegram 
in his hand. x 

Mrs. M. Oh, the deceit! the treachery of man! 

Sally. That’s what I say, ma’am; you can’t trust the best man in 
the world; and I do think that every woman ought to have a card 
tied around her neck, with this motto in large letters, for the benefit 
of mankind, "Positively no trust.” 

Mrs. M. Sally, can you tell me where Mr. Muddle has gone? 

Sally. Yes, ma’am, lie’s gone out. 

Mrs. M. I know that as well as you, but where has he gone? 

Sally. It’s my opinion he has gone out of his mind, because l saw 
him running down the hill at a two minute gait. 

Mrs. M. In the direction of the depot? 

Sally. There are so many different directions to the depot, 1 
couldn’t say for certain. 

Mrs. M. {goes to k. 3 k.) That will do, Sally. When Mr. Muddle 
ret urns, let me know immediately. 1 want to see him. {exit u. 3 e. 

Stilly. Yes, ma'am. Oh laws! but that was a whopping lie l told 
her about the telegram. Oh well, {sits til table) one might as well be 
hanged lot* stealing a sheepas a lamb. My motto is, "When you are 
bad, be desperately bad;” dqn’t be milk-and-water bad, and “When 
you are good, be out and out good,” don’t be good for revenge only. 
When 1 die, I want either one of these epitaphs on my head-stone, 
“She was so bad, there could be nothing worse,” or “She was so 
good, there could be nothing better.” Now it’s my opinion that old 
Deacon Spyder wants to make trouble in this family, {rises) But 
he shan’t have all the fun to himself. I’ll take a hand in it. {goes 
to i,. c.) I’ll give him rope enough to hang himself, and if he don’t 
succeed, I’ll lend him a helping hand, {upstage c.) and when 1 see 
things are going too far in the wrong direction, I’ll cry halt! 

Enter Jasper Jay Muddlk, r. k. 

Throw up your hands! 

Muddle. Hello! Sally, what’s the matter? 

Sally, {laughs, goes to sofa) Oh sir! I didn’t mean you. 

Muddle. I should hope not. I thought it was a clear case of high¬ 
way robbery. 

Sally. No sir, I was just rehearsing a part I’m going to perform in 
a drama pretty soon. 

Muddle. Then Sally, it must be “The life of Jesse James,” I 
guess. 

Sally, {goes to r,. k.) No sir, 1 call it “The Deacon’s Troubles, «.r 
The Missing Telegram.” {exit i,. k. 


u 


MY A Wh'UL WIFE. 


Muddle. Speakiugof telegrams, that reminds me -~(feels m pockets) 
l guess I must have dropped mine on the way to the depot. I was 
so excited about the dog, Fannie (sits at table 

Enter Sat,i,y, j.. k. 

Sally. Oh, sir, I was nearly forgetting la tell you that the Missis 
wanted to see you the very moment you come in. 

Muddle. She does, eh? That looks bad. Sally, in what, frame of 
mind is Mrs. Muddle at present? 

Stilly. Oh, sir! you should see the frame. She's in an awful rage 
about something. 1 don’t know what it is. 

Muddle. Neither does she. Sally, do you think she smells a rat ? 

Sully. I can’t say whether it’s a rat or a mouse, but I overheard 
Deacon Spyder tell her all about your having received a telegram, 
anti a lot of other things too numerous to mention. 

Muddle. Oh, the old scoundrel, how did he find that out 9 

Sally. I guess he must have been listening somewheres, and then 
he let the cat. out of the bag. Here’s your telegram, sir. I found it 
here in the room. ( hands telegram 

Muddle, (takes telegram and puts it in rest pocket) Do you think 
lit at my wife saw it? 

Sally. No sir, I don’t think as how she did, but that old Deacon 
Spyder showed her the envelope, and now I think she’s dead on. 

Muddle. Dead on! Dead on what, Sally? 

Sally. Dead onto your little game about your first wife coming 
here to see you. 

Muddle. My first wife coming here to see me! Girl, what the 
devil are you talking about? (bell heard I ring off l. 

Sully, (goes to n. e.) Mum’s the word, I’ll not give you away. 

Muddle, (goes to l. c.) Not give me away—girl explain. 

Sally. Hush! (putsfinger to her mouth) Hush! (exit l. 3 k 

Muddle. Well, I’ll be-- 

Sully, (puts head in at i,. 3 tc.. quickly) Hush! (disappears 

Muddle. What does she mean by that mysterious hush, ( puts 
finger to his mouth) ’I. 1 he re’s noonesick iuthehou.se. “She wasonlo 
my little game about my first wife coming here.” There’s some 
horrible mystery here. Oh, 1 suppose it’s some mistake, that will 
be clea red up bye-and-bye. (goes to chair k. of table and sits) My old 
friend Da hl>ler did not arrive by that train. 

Enter Mns. Muddi.e. u. 3 B., unobserved by Mr. Muddi.k. 

There's another train due in half an hour. Well, 1 shall be right 
glad to see him and Fannie. 

Mrs. M. Jasper Jay, where have you been? 

Muddle, (jumps up and crosses to i..) Oh l I have been out, my 
dear—yes. I’ve been out. 

Mrs. M. Out! Out where, sir! 

Muddle. Out everywhere! all over, my dear. You see the doctor 
told me to take long walks in the open air for the benefit of mv 
health. He said it would build me up. 

Mrs. M. And did he tell you to run to the depot to catch a train? 

Muddle. No my dear, he said nothing about that. I don’t think 
1 could run fast enough to catch a train. I might catch a cold, but, 


MY A WFUL WIFE. Id 

T never could catch a train, especially alter it had started. You see 
my dear 

Mrs. M. Enough, sir! You are lying, to me. 

Muddle, (aside) L dare say it's second nature. 1 wonder how she 
found it out though. 

Mrs. M. Jasper Jay, you have received a telegram? 

Muddle. My dear Jezabel, I did not— 

Mrs. M. (shows envelope) Sir! 

Muddle. ^confused, stammers) Ahem! I did not—do anything else 
but receive a telegram. 

Mrs. M. You told me nothing of it, sir! 

Muddle. Because there was nothing to tell. It was just a telegram 
from a friend, that’s all. 

Mrs. M. Jasper Jay, you had a motive? 

Muddle. Yes, my dear, I had a motive and a good one. You see. 
as you are subject to heart failure, I thought, that the sight of a 
telegram might produce nervous prostration and end fatally. You 
see. 1 considered your health, my dear. 

Mrs. M. Jasper Jay, you are a prevaricator. 

Muddle. No, my dear, I’m a democrat. 

Mrs. M. You are a two-faced monster, that’s what you are! 

Muddle. A two-faced monster, eh! Theif 1 ought to get a position 
in a dime museum as a freak. ( laughs) Ha, ha, ha! 

Mrs. M Throw off this mask of hypocricy and show yourself in 
your t rue colors. 

Muddle. My dear, 1 never wore a mask in all my life, except a 
base-ball mask once. 

Mrs. M. Enough, sir! Since l cannot believe you, l must satisfy 
myself, 1 shall search you 

Muddle, (aside, goes r.) Oh, Lord, she musn’t find this telegram. 

(hides it up left sleeve 

Mrs. M. Turn around here, sir, and throw up your hands. 

Muddle, (throws up both hands) But my dear, this is a clear case 
of highway robbery. 

Enter Sally, l. k. —pantomime business with Muddle, gets back of him 
and takes telegram out of sleeve, unseen by Mks. Muddle, and then 
exits l. e. 

(aside) The country is saved. 

Mrs. M. (finds pokes' chips in R. vest pocket) What do you call these, 
sir? 

Muddle, (aside) What the devil shall L tell her they are? (aloud) 
My dear, these are a new kind Of throat lozenge I’m taking for mv 
cold. 

Mrs. M. I’ll soon find out, I shall swallow one. 

Muddle, (aside) I f she does, she’ll never live to swallow another. 
(aloud) My dear, I shouldn’t advise you, too, they are not to he 
taken internally, except in dangerous cases like mine 

Mrs. M. (places poker chips on table) Jasper Jay, you have des¬ 
troyed that mysterious telegram. 

Muddle. I pledge you my word of honor as a gentleman, my clear 
Jezabel, that I have not. It’s quite true that I did receive a tele¬ 
gram. (asidei) 1 musn’t give Sally a n ay. (aloud) 1 can only tell 
you under oath that l haven’t got it now. 


16 


MY A WFUL WIFE. 


Mrs. M. Why su much mystery? From whom did you receive it ? 

Muddle. From a scientific friend of mitie, Phiueas Dabbler, whom 
l am sure you’ll oe glad to meet, (rroxses i..) He's coming - to spend 
his vacation with us. He’s a regular genius with quite an original 
turn of mind. He is what they call a specialist, an aurist; he has 
made the ear a special branch of study. 

Mrs. M. I am glad to hear this, he may be of service to me. I’ve 
had another severe attack of the earache. Probably he may be able 
to understand my case and treat me. {goes to n. k. 

Muddle. Oh, he’ll treat you. Dabbler is a great man for treating 
people, (oxide) I’ve seen him treat a whole crowd at a bar. 

Mrs. M. (at it. n.) By the way, is this friend of yours addicted to 
the use of strong liquor? 

Muddle. My dear, 1 never saw him drink anything stronger than 
red lemonade at a circus. 

Mrs. M. Very well, if this gentleman is the model man you 
represent him, he shall enjoy the hospitality of my house during his 
vacation. I’ll have the spare-room prepared for him at once. 

(exit K. E. 

Muddle, (sits at table, laughs) Model man indeed! If she only 
knew the whole truth, but then sne may know it soon enough; per¬ 
haps too soon for my happiness. She’ll be sure to find it out and 
then, oh how I’ll catch it. Sally saved me by coming in the nick of 
time. She’s a very useful servant, that girl. I don’t know how we 
could get along without her. Confound that telegram! 1 wish l 
had burned it in the first place, or in the fire-place. I wouldn’t so 
much mind only for that sentence in it about Famine's coming here. 
My present wife hades dogs, especially if she found out that it be¬ 
longed to mv divorced wife, then there would be trouble in the 
family. She’s a very peculiar woman, there are few like her in the 
world, and so much the better for the world, say I. ( bell heard off c. 
—MuDDiiK,;«//*/w up) I wouldn’t be surprised if that was Dabbler 
now. 1 must tell him how 1 lied to my wife about him, and warn 
him to be on his good behaviour during his stay here; otherwise he 
may get me into hot. water of the hotest degree of hotness. 

Enter Sai.i.y, c. k. 

Sally. A person to see you, sir! 

Muddle. A person! Is he a gentleman, Sally? 

Sally. He might he a gentleman, sir, or he might be a tramp, you 
can’t always sometimes tell, but he’s an awful funny looking man. 

Muddle. Didn’t he have a card? 

Sally. 1 asked him to give me his name, and he told me he would 
never give any woman his name until she became his wife. 

Muddle. It might be a tenant for the house next door. 

Sally. Oh laws—no sir! I’m sure he ain’t no tenant, lie looks 
more like a lunatic than a tenant. Here’s your telegram, sir. 

(hands him telegram 

Muddle. Thanks. Sally, you saved my life that time. 

Sally. Don’t loose it again, sir. 

Muddle. What, my life? 

Sally. No, the telegram. 

Muddle. I’ll try not to, Sallv; now show the gentleman in. 

Sally. All right, sir. (exit c. b. 


MY A WFUL WAFF. 


17 


Muddle. 1 hope it may be a tenant for mv house next door. I 
thought 1 would speculate and so 1 rented the cottage next door for 
the summer season. I've been done up by one tenant already; hr 
did not pay in advance, nor at any time afterwards. He lived six 
weeks in my house, and when 1 summoned up courage to ask him 
for my rent, he dropped dead of heart disease on t he spot. 1 had to 
bury him at my own expense. The coroner's jury brought in a 
verdict that I was the secondary cause of his death, by asking him 
so suddenly for the rent. I must be more careful in the future, as 
to my tenants. Another tenant with heart disease like that, would 
completely bankrupt me. 

Fnter Sal uy, v. e., followed by Phinbas D/.kbi.kk, who hand* hat and 
coat to Sam.y, then shakes hands with MUDDtn exit Sally, c. e. 


Dabbler. And how is my old friend, Jasper .lay Muddle? 

Muddle. Ah! delighted to see you, Phineas, old boy, delighted to 
see you! 


Dabbler. And so you are married again, eh? 1 wish you joy. 

Muddle. Don’t wish me anything until you know all. 

Dabbler. Oh, very well, just as you say -everything goes. 

Muddle. He seated. Tell me what have you done with the dog 
Fannie? (sits u. of table 

Dabbler, {sits i„ of table) Oh, she’s all right. I received your note 
from the Station Agent, telling me not to bring her here to the 
house under any circumstances, so I left her with the Agent at the 
depot, with instructions to take the best of care of her until 1 cal! 
for her. And in order to make assurance doubly sure, I’ve put a 
muzzle on her, and placed her in a cage; so she’ll be well cared for 
there until 1 can find more comfortable quarters for her. It’s really 
too bad t hough t hat, the poor animal should be socruelly imprisoned. 
The dog-catchers are on the war-path, endeavoring to earn an honest 
living, by stealing other people’s property. About this season of the 
year the dog-catchers business is picking up, so to speak. 

Muddle. Dabbler, my reason for not having Fannie brought here 
is, my present wife has a horror of dogs. Whenshe was young some 
t ime during the past century, she was bitten by a mad dog, and now 
sometimes she exhibits symptoms of hydrophobia. She gets awful 
mad at times. 

Dabbler. That’s too bad, really too bad, but then i can fix that all 
right if you’ll allow me. I’ve also heard that your present wife lias 


a terrible temper. 

Muddle. Alas! you’ve heard the truth. 

Dabbler. Too bad, but I’ll fix that all right. I suppose you have 
heard of my wonderful discovery? 

Muddle. No. 

Dabbler. No, then unprogressive mortal, you're behind. You 
know, at least, there is such a thing in human nature as “The Milk 
of Human Kindness?” 

Muddle. Yes, most certainly. 

Dabbled. Well sir, I’ve made a wonderful discovery. It far 
eclipses t he X Rav idea, of photography through opaque substances. 
I have discovered a process by which I can manufacture an exact 
substitute in every particular of the Milk of Human Kindness, 1 
call it "My Concentrated Essence of The Milk of Human Kindness.” 


18 


MY A WFUL WIFE. 


Muddle, (laughs) “The Concentrated Essence of The Milk of Hu¬ 
man Kindness!” You mean “The Concentrated Essence of Human 
Nonsense. 

Dabbler, (rises and goes i,.) That's right, laugh away. Laughter 
and ridicule has been the only reward of every inventor and dis¬ 
coverer from Columbus down to your humble servant. But my 
wonderful discovery is bound to succeed in the end, in spite of 
laughter and ridicule. 

Muddle. What is the nature of your wonderful medicine? 

Dabbler. It’s a sure cure for an irritable temper, so common to 
the female sex, especially amongst married women. 

Muddle. What do you intend doing with it? 

Dabbler. I’m a philanthropist. 1 intend throwing it upon the 
market at a ridiculously low price, for the benefit of all hen-pecked 
h usbands. 

Muddle. There ought to be a wide field in this country for such a 
medicine. 

Dabbler. Of course there ought. It will supply a long felt want, 
and is just suited to the present age, when the New Woman bosses 
the old man. I confidently expect that when the virtues of my 
wonderful medicine become widely known, there will be such a rush 
of hen-pecked husbands to purchase it, that I fear my Laboratory 
will not be able to supply the market. 

Muddle. Tell me how is your medicine administered, and how 
does it effect or operate upon the patient? 

Dabbler. Oh, it can be administered externally, or internally and 
eternally, if the patient lives long enough. But it is safer to ad¬ 
minister it hypodermically, or through any of the natural channels 
of the human body, especially through the medium of the ear, thus 
it reaches the brain by a direct route, so to speak, and puts the 
patient in a cataleptic sleep, or in a state of suspended animation, 
or commonly called a trance. 

Muddle. Truly wonderful! During this state of suspended anima¬ 
tion. >r trance, is the patient conscious of his or her surroundings? 

Dabbler. No, sir; you might run a freight train across the. bridge 
of her nose and she wouldn’t even wink. 

Muddle. How long do they remain in this state of trance? 

Dabbler. As long or as short as you desire, according to the size 
of the dose. 

Muddle. Yes, but can 3 ’ou restore the patient to consciousness 
when you like? 

Dabbler. Oh, most certainly, providing they are not given an 
overdose. The regular dose for an adult being four drops. In case 
of an accident, such as the patient getting an overdose, I always 
have an antidote. 

Muddle. An antidote? 

Dabbler. Oh, yes, in fact, 1 never go without it. 

Muddle. Have you got it with you now? 

Dabbler. Yes, it’s in the pocket of my overcoat which is hanging 
in the hall. 

Muddle, (rises, goes to c.) Dabbler, come here. (I)abbi.kh 
Muddi.k) Now my wife has a, terrible temper. I will give you a 
chance to try your " underfill medicine upon her, and this is a 
splendid chance. 1 have told her that you were an ear-specialist; 
she is at present suffering from an ear-ache, and under the pretence 


MY AWFUL 1 \IFE. 


19 


of curing- it, you can put her in a trance. The cellar in full of good 
old wine, and we'll have a glorious time; besides you’ll earn my 
eternal gratitude. 

Dabbler. A capital idea. 1 shall certainly try the experiment 
upon her. Consider it. as good as done; for tw elve hours your wife 
will be in the land of dreams. 

Muddle. She keeps the key of the wine-cellar, but while she’s in 
the trance, we can steal it. 1 haven’t had a right royal time in seven 
years, but now we can enjoy ourselves to our heart’s content. At 
the first opportunity I shall ask her to come in here and then - - 

Dabbler. Leave the rest to me. But there is one thing absolutely 
necessary for the success of our plans, and that is, that after having 
put your wife under the influence of this narcotic, she must be kept 
in a cool place, if possible, on ice. 

Muddle. On ice? She may freeze up. 

Dabbler. Then we ll have to thaw her out again. Let me explain, 
so you will understand. My theory is based on reason and com¬ 
mon sense. An irritable temper in the individual is caused by the 
acrid humors in the system; congeal these acrid humors by this re¬ 
frigerating process, and my wonderful medicine gets in its mollify¬ 
ing work, a I ra.nsmi ta tion takes place in t he system. My Concen¬ 
trated Essence of The Milk of Human Kindness takes the place of 
the acrid humors, and when the woman wakes up, you have an 
angel on earth. 

Muddle. But suppose, through some accident, she don’t wake up? 

Dabbler. In that case there’ll be a new face in Heaven. 

Muddle. 1 am anxious to see this wonderful medicine of yours. 

Dabbler. You shall see it. I always carry a small sample with me 
iu case of emergency, and for the exclusive benefit of hen-pecked 
husbands. It's in my overcoat pocket in the hall outside, I shall go 
and bring it here at once. (exit e. k. 

Enter Mks. Muddle, r. e.— remain* in entrance and listen*, unseen by 

Muddle. 

Muddle, (l. c.) Truly wonders will never eease. Now if my wife 
can only be placed under the influence of this wonderful drug, it 
will be a splendid idea. The cellar is full of good wine, and by l,his 
time it must be iu excellent condition, and while my wife is in the 
trance, we won’t do a thing but enjoy ourselves. I have often been 
tempted to set the house on lire just to get into that w ine cellar. 
Speaking of set t ing things on fire, reminds me I’d better destroy this 
telegram w hile 1 think of it and before ni 3 ’ w ife finds it, the contents 
would certainly get me into very hot water. 

( take* telegram and strikes match, has back turned toward* h. 

Mrs M (comes v.) Jasper Jay! 

Muddle, (hide* telegram behind, back—business ad. lib.) Yes, m* 
dear, (aforced laugh) Oh, how you startled me! 

Mrs. M. What is that you are hiding behind vour back? 

Muddle. Oh. it’s only a piece of fly-paper, my dear. 

Mrs. M. Let me see it. sir! 

Muddle. I wouldn’t advise you to, my dear, this fly-paper is of a 
very affectionate nature. 

Mrs. M. What do you mean by saying that it’s of an affectionate 
nature ? 


MY A WFUL WIFE. 


20 


Muddle. It may get stuck ou you, my dear. (laughs heartily) It 
affords me great amusement to laugh at my own jokes. It tickles 
me almost to death. ( laughs) Ha. ha, ha! 

Mrs. M. No more falsehoods, sir! Give me that telegram! 

Muddle. 1 will my dear, but if any evil consequences spring from 
it, don’t blame me—there you are. {hands her telegram —in l. corner 

Mrs. M. {reads telegram) “Fanny accompanies me—mum’s the 
word.” {to Muddle) Oh, you deceatful lying monster! My suspi¬ 
cious are only too true! She is here! 

Muddle. Of course she is, but you need not be alarmed, she’s 
perfectly harmless. We’ve put her in a cage. 

Mrs. M. In a cage? 

Muddle. Yes, my dear, and put a muzzle on her so that she can’t 
bite. 

Mrs. M. Then you love her still? 

Muddle. Of course I do. 

Mrs. M. Oh, you vile, faithless "retch! 

Muddle. Now my dear, {approaches Mks. Muddle) if you’ll only 
allow me. I think l can throw some light upon this subject. 

Mrs. M. You cannot throw any light upon it. 

Muddle. Then forever remain in darkness. 

Mrs. M. I know all. 

Muddle. You do? Then what’s the use of me knowing anything. 

{goes to i,. corner 

Mrs. M. Since you have proved false to me, go back to her, and 
never let me look upon your face again. 1 am a crueliy wronged 
and broken-hearted woman. Oh, oh, oh! 

{weeps, drops in chair l. of table 

Enter Ada and Chaut.es, c. e., Sai.lt k. e. and Dabbleu l. e. 

Omnes. What’s the matter? 

Muddle. My wife has fainted. 

Dabbler. I can bring her too. {business at table) One drop of my 
Universal Infallible Restorative— ' 

Ada. Sally, run for a doctor. (Sali.y goes to c. k. quickly 

Enter Deacon Spydek, c. e. , collides with Sally as he enters — Sally 
hits his hat, playing cards fall out, etc. 

Sally. Oh, get out of my way! 

QUICK CURTAIN. 

Position of characters as curtain drops— Mus. Muddle in chair i,. of table, 
Ada beside her, Ohaki.es at r. corner. Muddle at l. corner, 
Dabbler l. of table, Sally and Deacon Spydek at c. e. 


ACT III. 

SCENE.—Same as Act 1st. with a call bell on table. 

Enter Jasper Jay Muddle, l. e. as curtain rises, sits r. of table. 

Muddle. There’s no use talking, if this excitement continues 
much longer, l shall be either a raving maniac or a gibbering idiot. 
1 have come to the conclusion that marriage is a failure and life’s 



MY AWFUL WIFE. 


SI 

not worth living- My wife has got a bee in her bonnet about that 
telegram and she won’t listen to reason. {rises and crosses to l 

Enter Mrs. Muddi-e, k. k., unseen by Muddle. 

If ever l selet a wife again, l shall go to a deaf and dumb asylum for 
one, then 1 shall have some peace of mind. I won’t be talked to 
death anyhow. ( about to sit at table 

Mrs. M. {comes c.) Jasper Jay! 

Muddle, (jumps up) Yes, my dear. 

Mrs. M. S® you are going to select your next wife from a deaf 
and dumb asylum, eh? 

Muddle. My dear, I was only speaking figuratively, you know I’m 
something of a poet. 

Mrs. M. (sits r. of table) Jasper Jay, you’re a fool! 

Muddle. Well, you’ve made me what 1 am you often tell me 
that. (sits l. of table 

Mrs. M. When l married you, you were nobody— 

Muddle. And I’ve held my own ever since. 

Mrs. M. 1 married you with the hope of reforming you, but 1 find 
you are incorrigible and hopelessly depraved, you have not yet re¬ 
formed. 

Muddle. ’Tis never too la.te to mend. I’ll get there in the sweet 
bve-and-bye, “While the lamp holds out to burn.’’ The vilest 
si uner 

Mrs. M. Silence, sir! Only the other night a policeman found 
you in a beastly state of intoxication hugging a telephone pole. 

Muddle. Surely my dear, you’re not jealous of a telephone pole. 

(lauyhs 

Mrs. M. Jasper Jay, this is no laughing matter. I have also 
learned that you have presumed to give your consent to my 
daughter’s union with a young man who is in every way objectiona¬ 
ble to me. 

Muddle. Quite true my dear. I gave my consent and also my 
blessing. 

Mrs. M. And without even consulting me, sir? 

Muddle. 1 did not think it a case for consultation, my dear. 

Mrs. M. And so you gave your consent and blessing? 

Muddle. Yes, 1 happened to have a blessing about me to spare, so 
I thought they might as well share the benefit of it. 

Mrs. M. Jasper Jay, your blessing will prove a curse. 

Muddle. Well, they’ve got it, let them make the best of i!. What's 
done, can’t be undone. 

Mrs. M. Ada is only your step-daughter. She is mv child and 1 
have other plans for her future happiness. Were you not aware of 
that? 

Muddle. No, my dear, I was not. and furthermore 1 could not 
conceive on what grounds the present young man was objectionable 
to you ? 

Mrs M. Grounds, sir? 

Muddle. That’s what I said. 

Mrs. M. You speak of mv child asifshe were so much unstrained 
coffee. 

Muddle, (rise* and comes doioh) Mv dear. I never said a single word 
about c#ffee grounds. Von misunderstand me, and since we agree 


MY A WFUL WIFE. 


*> ■> 


only to disagree, we hail better drop the subject entirely. You may 
marry her to any man you like, and as many men as you like, it's a, 
matter of the most perfect indifference to me. {sits at table again 

Mrs. M. Oh, you monster, I do believe you’d encourage bigamy 
and polygamy. 

Muddle. Yes. my dear, every tin ng goes if you say so. I have no 
voice in the matter. This whole business will bring my gray hairs 
with sorrow to the grave. 

Mrs. M. My daughter shall profit by my sail matrimonial ex¬ 
perience. I’ll take good care, that if 1 have made a fatal mistake in 
my marriage, she shall not. 

Muddle, [rises and goes to k. of table) My dear, you are in the habit 
of frequently alluding to marriage with me as a fatal mistake. Now 
allow me to remark that your tlrst husband was - 

Mrs. M. (rises, indignantly) A man, Jasper Jay, a man! 

Muddle. Well l should hope he was a man. I didn’t insinuate 
that he was a woman, did 1? I was only going to sav — 

Mrs. M. Not a word against him, sir. lie is dead. 

(sits lit table again 

Muddle, (sits at table again— aside) Oh happy man, who could 
blame him for dying. 

Mrs. M. And after the death of Reuben Ray, 1 married you Jasper 
J a v. 

Muddle. 
mv dear. 

'Mrs. M. 

E.) now. 

Muddle. 

Mrs. M. 


He was a Reuben and I’m a Jay, a good pair to draw to, 

(laugh* 

(rises) No levity, sir! I shall leave you (starts toward k. 


(aside) Thank heaven! 

And I warn you, for the future, never dare to interfere 
in ill} domestic affairs again, (at u. K.) Jasper Jay, you are a. wolf 
in sheep’s clothing, a human vampire, a whiled sepulchre. 

(exit r. e. 

Muddle, (rises) A human vampire! a whited sepulchre, (goes to 
n. of table) That’s good, what neM 1 wonder? (rings bell on table) 
1 shouldn't be surprised if 1 turned out to be a family vault, ora 
cm u n i ha I of som e k i ii d. < )h, kind pr*»\ idence, turn back th y u tii verse 
and give me single blessedness again just for to night. 

(sits i„ of table 


Enter Sali.y, l. e. 


Sally. Did you ring for hot water, sir? 

Muddle. No, Sally, I’m in hot water now. (rises) Sally, come 
over here, 1 wish to spea k to you. (Sai.i.y crosses to n.) Do you know 
you’re a very pretty girl? 

Salty. Oh, sir, you men are such flatterers that \ou’d say so even 
if you didn’t think so. 

Muddle. Yes, and voti’d think so even if we didn’t sav so, eh, 
Sally? 

Sally. Well, sir, us women must believe our looking glasses, they 
don’t, flatter us. 

Muddle. The looking glass is the voting woman’s best companion. 
Sally, do you think you could keep a secret ? 

Sally. Well sir. 1 can try, and if I can’t keep if, 1 can tell it to 
Sammy, lie keeps ail my secrets for me. 


MY AWFUL WIFE. 


23 

Muddle. Well, Sully, if I am missing one of these days, don’t be 
surprised nor agitated, but search for my body at the bottom of the 
fish-pond at the low er end of the garden. 

Enter Deacon Sfydek, k. k., hides behind screen. 

Sally. Oh surely, sir, you wouldn’t think of killing yourself? 

Muddle. Sally, if I don’t kill myself, l shall have to kill someone 
else. 

Sally. Well, sir, if you must kill someone, why don’t you kill old 
Deacon Spyder; he wouldn’t be missed, and it's about time for him 
to die. 

Deacon, (from behind screen - aside) Kill me! Oh, the depravity 
of that young woman! ' 

Sally. It, would be good riddance to bad rubbish. 

Muddle. I have sometimes thought of that, but his time has not 
yet come. 

Sally. I wish it would hurry up and get here. 

Muddle. Rather let him live to suffer the remorse of conscience 
he cannot escape. 

Sally. Well, l thought if someone would rid the world of him, it 
would be a great blessiug. lie’s no use on earth, unless some farmer 
wanted a scare-crow. 

Deacon, [from behind screen aside) A scare-crow, oh! 

Muddle. One last request, Sally, in case anything happens to me, 
don’t let them bring in a verdict of insanity. I want you to swear 
that it was a case of justifiable suicide brought about by matrimonial 
misery. 

Sally. All right, sir, I’ll swear anything you ask me to, but I hate 
to think of you lying at the bottom of the fish-pond, and you catch¬ 
ing your death of cold, and all the little fishes nibbling at your toes. 

(puts handkerchief to eyes aiul weeps 

Muddle Let them nibble, Sally, let them nibble, (sits k., bell 
heard ring off l.) Sally, see who that is and bring me word. 

Sally, (goes to l. e.) I’m expecting a caller myself. (exit l. e. 

Muddle. Perhaps it’s Dabbler or a tenant for the house next door. 
It’s a most extraordinary thing, but since the sudden and mysterious 
death of my former tenant, a report has gone abroad that the house 
next door is haunted, and it’s becoming a white elephant on my 
hands. It will be very difficult to find a tenant to occupy it. 

Enter Sally, l. e. 

Sally. Please, sir. it’s Sammy Dobbs come after the situation. 

Muddle. Oh, yes, sure enough, 1 advertised for a strong boy to do 
chores around the house. Show him up, Sally. 

Sally, (at l. e.) Come in Sammy, the master wants to see you. 

Enter Sammy Dobbs, l. e. 

(Sally aside to Sammy) Now speak up! Don’t be scared—do your¬ 
self proud and you’ll get the job. 

Sammy, (aside to Sally) .lust watch me! (aloud) Mr. Muddle, 
sir. I’ve come after the job. 

Muddle. So 1 see. Well, what can you do? 

Sam. 1 can do everybody 


MY A WFUL WIVE. 


*4 


Muddle. What’s that ? 

Sally, (interposing) Hr said, sir, he could do anything in the way 
of honest labor. 

Middle. 1 suppose you don’t objecL to work? 

Sam. No sir! if it ain’t too hard and too heavy. 

Muddle. Your work will be light, and your salary won’t be heavy. 
What did you do in vour last place? 

Sam. I was breaking rock in a stone quarry. 

Muddle. Indeed! where was your last situation? 

Sam. In jail. 

Muddle, (rues) What! 

Sally, (aside to Sammy) Oh. why did you say that? (aloud to 
Mijddi.k) I’ll tell you how it was, sir! It was this way: There was 
another fellow that looked like Sammy and they arrested Sammy, 
thinking it was him. 

Muddle. I see it was a case of mistaken identity. 

Savi. No sir. it was a case of lager beer that he stole. 

Sally. But Sammy was innocent, indeed he was. 

(bell beard ring off l 

Muddle. Sally, see w'ho that is. 

Sally. Yes, sir. (aside to Sammy) Mind what you say. (exit l. e. 

Muddle. Now young man, what wages do you expect? 

Sam. As much as you'll give me. 

Muddle, {goes to K. E.) Well, I shan’t settle on any certain figure 
until my wife sees you. You may not suit her. I suppose you un¬ 
derstand waiting on table? 

Sam. Feeding folks you mean? 

Muddle. Well. yes. 

Sam. Yes, sir. I used to feed hogs for Squire Martin. 

Muddle. You’ll do; you’re just the person l want to wait on my 
wife. Consider yourself engaged, salary no object. I may have 
other work for you to do in the future, but 1 only want you to wait 
on the table for the present. (exit k. k. 

Sam. That’s a real nice old gent. I'm to' wait on the table for 
the present. 1 ain’t had a present since last Christmas. Now if 
1 only please the old woman, I'm all O. Iv.. and if I don’t, I’m N. 
C.i. Sally told me the old woman was a crank, and she bosses the old 
man, and she wears the breech 1 mean the bloomers. The old man 
told me to wait on the table for the present, so here goes, (sits on 
table) l wonder what kind of a present he'll fetch me a Christmas 
box I guess. 

Enter Sat.t.y, l. e., slaps Sammy on the ear who falls to floor. 

Sally. Yes, and there it is. What do you mean by sitting on the 
parlor table? Ain’t you got no manners? 

Sam. No, Sally. (gets up 

Sally. Tnen I’ll teach you to have some. 

Sam. But Sally, the old gentleman told me to wait on the table 
while he was gone after a present, for me. 

Sally. A present for you indeed. He’s full of such tricks. You 
learn to behave yourself, or you’ll loose your job. I’m going to tell 
Mr. Muddle that a gentleman has called to see him. 

Sam. Who is he, Sail? "Tain t someone else for my job? 

Sally. No, it’s Police Inspector Pincham. (exit k. e. 


MY A WFZJL WIFE. 


55 


Sam. Inspector Pincham! Well, he shan’t chase me. I’ll hide 
(business of hiding behind screen, which fails) Oh, laws, I thought the 
blame thing was fastened. ( puts screen up again) I've broughtdown 
the house. 1 hope the old woman won't come in and catch me now. 

Enter Mrs Muddle and Sau.t, k. e. 

Mrs. M. Sally, 1 thought 1 heard a noise in here. («« Sammv) 
Who is this boy and what is he doing? 

Sum. I was just fixing up the furniture, ma’am. It took a kind 
of a tumble, so I was bracing it up a bit. 

Mrs. M. Sally, again I ask, who is this boy? 

Sally. Please, ma’am. Unit’s Sammy Dobbs, he came alter the 
situation of strong bo\, and to do chores around the house. 

Sam. Yes, ma’am, I was engaged by Mr. Muddle. 

Mrs. M. Then you are discharged by Mrs. Muddle. 

Sam. {aside) Oh, laws, that’s the shortest.time Fever held a job, 
three minutes and a half, {aloud) Say, ma’am, won’t you give me 
a month’s notice? 

Mrs. M. No, not a minutes notice. 

Sam. I was in my last place six months. I wouldn’t, have left it 
then, only my time was up. 

Mrs. M. Sally, send him away, and when I return, don't let me 
see him here. {starts toward r. e. 

Sally. Rut. ma’am, master engaged him, and you might give him 
a trial. 

Sam. (aside to Sa.i,i,y) For the Dor's sake, Sally, don't talk about 
giving me a trial: the last time 1 stood trial. I got six months. 

Mi's. M. I see that he’s got fia.ming red hair, that’s bad. it shows 
that he has a violent temper, and he might prove a dangerous char¬ 
acter to have around I,lie house. I can't bear the sight of red hair. 

Sam. If ain't red, ma'am, it’s a sort of hriutile. 

Sally. Yes. ma’am, the same color as our old brindle cow. 

Mrs. M. No matter, it’s too red to suit me. If it were any other 
color, 1 might possibly allow you to stay, but with that head, never! 

Sam. Well, ma’am, it’s the only head I’ve got. 

Mrs. M. I can’t help that. I’ve a. strong prejudice against red 
hair, {at k. e.) Sally, send him away and never let me look upon 
his red head again. ( exit r. e. 

Sam. Well, Sally, I’ve got the bounce —that settles me. 

Sally. Yes, the mean okl thing, and I thought we were goi ng to 
be together all the time. Say, Sammy, I’ve got an idea. 

Sam. You’d better keep it, Sally, you may never get another. 

Sally. I wouldn’t be so fresh if I was you. Women have more 
ideas now-a-days then the men. 

Sam. Yes, the bloomers was a woman’s idea. 

Sally. If you’ll listen to me —I was going to tell you of a plan by 
which you could hold your job. 

Sam. How . Sally, cut off my head? 

Salty. No, t here is a gentleman visiting here from the city, a Mr. 
Dabbler. He's a friend of the master’s, and they say he’s a great 
inventor, a genius they call him; he may help us out. 

Sinn. I can’t see how . Sally. 

Sally. Well I can. Didn't the Missus say that if your hair was 
any other color but red, you might stay. Now maybe this inventor 


26 MY .4 WFUL WIFE. 

may know of some way to change thecolor of your hair and you can 
hold t he job. 

Sam. That is a great idea, Sally, (doublespecialty may be introduced 
here) Well, I’d better be going - before the old woman comes back 
and catches me, but before I go, Sally, you might give a fellow a kiss. 

Sally. Oh Sammy, it ain’t in the fashion to kiss any more, it’s 
out of style. 

Sam. A good thing is never out of style, Sally. You ain’t one of 
these new women, are you? 

Sally. Sammy Dobbs, don’t you dare to insult me. You may kiss 
my hand, like the Knights of old used to do with their lady loves. 

(holds out hand. 

' Sam. The old Knights were old fools, Sally 

Sally. Down on your knees like the Knights of old. 

Sam. Oh, hang the Knights of old. I’ve got the rlieumatiz in my 
left knee and 1 .can’t kneel, Sally. 

Sally. Well. I’ll expose you this time, but the next time you 
must kneel to me. 

Sam. I’ll stand on my head for you, Sally, (takes her hand) Sally, 
this is what I call pretty cold comfort. 

Sally. Well Sammy, considering that l may not see you again for 
some time, I’ve changed my mind. I’ll not give you a kiss, but if 
you take one, I’ll not object. 

Sam. And I’ll. not object, so here goes. (kisses Sai.lt 

Enter Dabki.ek, j,. k., catches them kissing. 

Babbler. Ahem! Ahem! (Sammy and Sally seperate — Sammy goes 
to u. corner and Sai.i.y to n. csrn&r, Dabblek c.) Well, upon my 
word, that’s pretty nice I must say, very sociaole indeed, hugging 
:<nd kissing. Oh well, go ahead, enjoy yourselves while you live, 
you’ll be a long time dead. Only take care that your Mistress does 
not catch you —ifshe does, it will be another case of “Oirl Wanted,” 

you’ll surely loose your job. 

Sally. I don’t care. 

Sam. Me neither, for I’ve got the bounce anyway. 

Babbler. What! already? 

Sam. Oh. quicker than that. 

Sally. Yes, sir, he was engaged b.v the master and discharged by 
the Missus almost in the same breath, in fact he didn’l gel time to 
draw his breath. 

Sam. No, nor I didn’t get time to draw my salary neither. 

Sally. No, sir, and it’s all on account of his red hair. 

Babbler. What’s the matter with his red hair, is it not red 
enough? 

Sally. It's too red, that’s the great trouble. The Missus don’t 
like it. and I thought sir, if you could help us out by changing the 
color of his hair, he might hold his job. 

Babbler, (goes to table) And 1 can help you out, Sally, and what’s 
more, 1 shall help von out, Sally, (takes medicine case from pocket) 
I have here a wonderful preparation. It, is my Universal Infallible 
remedy for changing the color of the hair. It is called my Capillary 
Transmogrifier. After three applicat ions of this marvelous prepara¬ 
tion, his own mother won’t know him; his hair will become a beauti¬ 
ful strawberry blond, and thus he can hold his job. 


MY A WFUL WIFE. 27 

Salty, (to Sammy) Oh. Sammy, won’t that he nice? {to Dabbi.ihk) 
Oh. thank you, sir. 

Dabbler, {goes to Sam.y) Don’i mention it, Sally; and I also 
perceive that, you have a mole coming on your chin. Non that's 
had, very bad, we must prevent its further development, or after a 
while you'll have a double chin that would never do, you have loo 
much chin now. 

Sfitly. No I ain't neither. 

Bubbler. But never despair, Sally. I'll fix that also, (goes to table, 
business with medicine casei) I have here another wonderful prepara¬ 
tion which I call my “Infallible Efadicator.” It removes moles, 
corns, bunions, freckles, sun-burns, heart-burns, side-burns. It’s a 
sure cure for all the ills that flesh is heir to. This is the bottle 
(handsher bottle) to remove the mole, and this {hands her another bot¬ 
tle) for your lover's hair. 

Sun. Thank you, Mister how much's to pay? 

Mrs. M. (heard caHing off it.)* Sally! Sally! 

Dabbler. The devil will he to pay if you deai’t get out of here. 

Sam. (runs to i,. k.) I'll get, you bet! {exit i,. k. 

Sally. Oh, Lor Sammy ran away without his bottle. 1 must 
run after him. 

Dabbler. That’s right, Sally, run after him. It’s about time the 
women should run after the men turn about is fair play. (Ada is 
heard laughing off u. Dabbi.eu looks eff' k.) Ah! whose melodious 
voice is that? Laughter is the stilish i tie of the soul. Most certainly 
it’s not Mrs. Muddle, she never smiles. No, it’s her beautiful and 
accomplished daughter, Ada. and she’s coming in here. I’m not 
much of a lady’s man. but I’ll do my best to entertain her. 

(puts medicine case back in pocket stands near table 

Enter Ada, it. e. 

Ada. Ah! Mr. Dabbler, you are the very person l desire most to 
see. 

Dabbler. I am yours to command. Miss Muddle. 

. 1 da. (sits K. of tablltf) Be seated. 

Dabbler. sits i,. yf table) Certainly, it’s more sociable and com¬ 
fortable t ban standing. 

Ada. Mr. Dabbler, as you are a man of the world, l thought l 
would confide in you. 

Dabbler. Ah! you flatter me. I assure you. 

Ada. I'm about to ask you a very bold, and perhaps to you it will 
seem an absurd, an impertinent question. 

Dabbler, (aside) Perhaps she's going to propose to me. I wonder 
if u^is is leap year? (aland) Proceed, Miss Bramble, I’m all attention. 

Ada. Mr. Dabbler, were you ever in love? 

Dabbler, (aside) That’s a. poser, she's going to pop the question, 
sure, (aland) To be equally frank with you. Miss Bramble, I can’t 
sav with truth that I've ever been in love that is. not to my know¬ 
ledge. I have been in some very dangerous predicaments, owing to 
the fact that 1 used to walk in my sleep and fell down three flight, of 
stairs, and I was also subject to the night-mare. However, as love 
is said to be a very coiitageous disease, especially when one is ex¬ 
posed to tiie influence of a young and beautiful woman, there is no 
telling how soon I may fall a victim. It may be my turn next. 


28 


MY A WFUL WIFE. 


Ada. Well. Ml*. Dabbler, I'm in love. 

Dabbler. (aside) Adorable creature! I wonder if it’s with me? 
(aloud) That’s good, very good. 

Ada. But the young man is poor. Oil, very poor. 

Dabbler. That’s bad—d-d — 1 mean very bad. (aside) She means 
me, that’s certain. 

Ada. Butin spite of his poverty l love him. and 1 know that he 
loves me. 

Dabbler, (aside) Noble self-sacrificing creature, she loves me in 
spite of my poverty. She must mean me. There’s no one as poor as 
I am. 1 can wait no longer, (rises) Miss Bramble, why should you 
keep me in this terrible suspense? Come to the point at once and 
let us understand each other. Of course the name of this poor, but 
happy man is— 

Ada. Charles Melrose. 

Dabbler, (balls back in chair aside) Oh Lord, it wasn’t me after 
all. 1 came very near making a blame tool of myself. 

Ada. It is in this matter I may need your advise and assistance. 

Dabbler. And you shall have it, Miss, with the greatest alacrity 
and celerity. 

Ada. There is a powerful obstacle to our union. 

Dabbler. There always is. The course of i rue love nev er did run 
smooth. I see you want me to help you to remove the aforesaid 
obstacle—and I can do it. 

Ada. But the obstacle is my mother. 

Dabbler. Well, I can remove your mother. 

Ada. (rises) Mr. Dabbler, you astonish me! 

Dabbler, (rises apologetically) I beg your pardon, but you did not 
quite understand me. 1 did not mean to use physical force. I intend 
to overcome her objections by moral persuasion, so to speak, and 
thus gain her consent to your marriage. And 1 flatter myself I'm 
just the man to accomplish the task. (both sit doton again 

Ada. If you succeed in this 

Dabbler. Oh, success is certain. I know no such word as fail, 
whatever I undertake I carryout. 

Ada. If you do this. I shall tie forever indebted to you. 

Dabbler. Don’t get in debt, Miss, don't get in debt to any one. 
I've been there, I know what it is. You owe me nothing. To make 
others happy is happiness enough for me. I ask no greater reward. 

Ada. You must know that mother is very obstinate in some 
t h i ngs. 

Dabbler. Y r es, so I've heard. 

Ada. And she thinks I ought to marry a man of her choosing. 
Now I object to her coercing me in a matter which involves the 
happiness of my whole life. I ought to have some say in the affair. 
Don’t you think so, Mr. Dabbler? 

Dabbler. Think so? 1 am sure so. Miss Bramble. In as much as 
'tisyou who is going to marry the man, and not your mamma. and 
as you have reached the years of discretion, l should imagine you 
ought to have a very big say in the matter. 

Ada. She wants me to marry an old man. Of course he can’t 
help his being old. 

Dabbler. 01 course not, we II all he old it we live long enough. 

Ada. But I don't want to marry him, and I won’t marry him! 


MY A WFUL WIFE. 




I’ve made up my mind on that point! 

Dabbler. 1 admire your determination. Do not give your hunt! 
where your heart can never go. 

Ada. There ought to be a limit to filial obedience, especially 
when the happiness of one’s whole life is at stake. 

Dabbler. Perfectly correct. Don’t, allow them to trample on you 
or coerce you into matrimony against vour will. Maintain the 
glorious prerogative of your sex. This is the age of Woman’s 
Rights and Female Sufferage. 

Ada. Well, whatever happens, I am determined never to marry 
old Deacon Spyder. 

Dabbler. Oh, ho! so that’s the prospective husband your mamma 
has chosen for you, eh? 

Ada. Yes. 

Dabbler. Well, I don’t blame you for revolting against such an 
unnatural and unholy alliance. Talk of December and May. It’s 
another example of ‘‘Ooine into my parlor says the spider to the fly.” 
Do not let that fossilized old hypocrite entangle you in his wet), or 
you are lost, hopelessly lost. You go on your wav rejoicing and 
leave me to deal with him. Say but the word, and 1 shall remove 
this spider from your path forever. 

Ada. ( rise ,v) No, I would not have you harm him: lie’s an old 
man and has not long to live 

Dabbler, {rises) All the more reason he should die soon. 

Ada. Not under any circumstances would I sanction violence. 
We can overcome the difficulty without resorting to such extreme 
measures. 

Dabbler. Put how? 

Ada. We can elope in an automebile. 

Dabbler. Why of course wtfcan! I never thought of that. 

Ada. We sir! Mr. Dabbfer, you forget yourself. 

Dabbler. No, I forgot Charley; excuse my slight mistake. So 
Charley and you are going to elope in an automobile? How delight¬ 
fully romantic. 

Ada. {(joes to u. e.) 1 thank you for your advice, Mr. Dabbler, 

and I’ll bid you good-dav. {exit n. e. 

Dabbler Hood-day. Miss. Elope in an automobile when the moon 
is full, eh? Oh, hoe. love! what fantastic tricks are committed in 
thy name! So Deacon Spvder is weaving his web of mischief around 
this innocent fly. Very well. Deacon, forewarned, forearmed, we 
must try and checkmate your little game. 

Ente)' Jasper Muddle, r. e. 

Muddle. Ah! Dabbler, I’m glad to see you. Well, how is every¬ 
thing? 

Dabbler. 'Tis I who should ask you that question. When are we 
going to make that experiment and place your wife under the 
influence? 

Muddle. To-day my wife is suffering from her usual ear-ache and 
it will be a capital opportunity to administer the narcotic without 
exciting her suspicion. 

Dabbler. Good! but tell me, have you a liberal supply of i<n* on 
hand ? 

Muddle. Yes, I have given the order to the iceman on ihe quiet lo 


SO MV AWFUL WIFE. 

bring a large quantity. 

Dabbler. Have you also prepared a place where she can be con¬ 
cealed afterwards? 

Muddle, (goes up it.) Yes, I’ve thought of that also, (draws cur- 
lain back between, two flies) Don't you think this recess will do? 

Dabbler, (goes up it. and examines recess) Ah. capital! Just the 
thin*;, the recess will he a success, (both come down, Dabbi.kii sits l. 
of table, Mu om.a k. of table) Every thing is lovely. 

Enter Sai.i.y, r.. e. 

Sally. Please sir! a gentleman wishes to know what rent you ask 
for .the house next door? 

Muddle. One hundred dollars per month, Sally, invariably in ad¬ 
vance. Did he give his name? 

Sally. 1 think, sir, he said his name was Cheathim. 

Muddle. Cheathim; I don't much like that name. The name of 
my last temwit was Beathim, and sure enough he did beat me, he 
lived up to the letterof his name. Sally, tell Mr. Cheathim that we 
must have good reference and a month's rent in advance. I can’t 
afford to take any chances on a man with a name like Cheathim. 

Sally. All right, sir. • (exit l. e. 

Dabbler. A smart girl that. 

Muddle. Yes, and very courageous. 

Dabbler. In what respect? 

Muddle. In the respect that she's the only person in this house, 
that’s not afraid of my wife. 

Enter Sat.t.y, i.. e. 

Sally. The gentleman says, the house and the rent suits him, and 
he’s going to come back in a short time with the rent and a reference 
from headquarters. 

Muddle. Headquarter’s, Sally? Is he connected with the Salva¬ 
tion Army ? 

Sally. Not knowing, can’t say, sir, but he looks like a military 
man of some sort, because he said to me “Right about, face, young 
woman.” (both men lauqh 

Muddle. You may go, Sally, and tell him that he can lake posses¬ 
sion as soon as he brings the money. 

Sally. All right, sir! ( exit i,. e. 

Dabbler, (takes medicine case from pocket) Now then, friend Muddle, 
everything is in readiness to make the experiment. Go and bring 
your wife in here. 

Muddle. But are you sure you have the antidote? 

Dabbler. Oh, quite sure, it’s in my overcoat which hangs in the 
hall. But do you think she suspects our little game? 

Muddle. Oh, no, we are perfect ly safe, (goes to r. e.) But l do 
hope your experiment will prove successful. (exit it. k. 

Dabbler. So do I, but then it’s sure to tie a success in the end, 
though it may fail in Mrs. Muddles case, and even should she die 
from the effects of it, she’ll be only another martyr to the glorious 
cause of experimental science. 

(turns to table, business with medicine case 


MY AWFUL WIFE. 
Enter Muddle, it. k. 


SI 


Muddle. Dabbler, she is coming. 

Dabbler. Let her come, everything is in readiness. 

Muddle. (nervous) Except the ice-, the man is late lo-dav. 

Dabbler. Rut man, you are nervous; compose yourself, or your 
agitation will betray you. {takts whiskey flush from pocket and hand* 
it to him) Here, take a swallow of this whiskey, it will brace you up. 

Muddle. Bui she will smell mv breath. 

Dabbler. Keep your mouth shut and breathe through your nose 
anil she’ll never detect it. 

Muddle. A good idea, but 1 mustn’t let anybody catch me drink¬ 
ing. 

Dabbler, {crosses c.) Drink ahead and I’ll keep a look out. 

{looks off K. 

Muddle. Well, Dabbler, here’s looking at you. {about to drink 

Iceman, (heard off \.. loudly) lee! 

Muddle, {excited, speaks to Iceman) Yes, yes, fetch a ton. Oh 
Lord, what a. voice that man’s got; he ought to be playing heavy 
tragedy instead of peddling ice. Well, here’s happy days. 

(about to drink, again 

Enter Sally, l. quickly. 

Sally. Did you order a whole ton of ice, sir? 

Muddle. ( nervous , hides bottle) Yes, yes, Sally, I want to lay in a 
large supply in case there might be a corner on the ice market. I 
always look ahead you know. 

Sally. It’s all right, sir, if you say so, but 1 should like to know 
what Missus will think about it. ( exit l. e. 

Muddle. Yes, and so should I. Confound it, I’ll never get this 
drink if they keep on interrupting me. {business with bottle) Well, 
Dabbler, here she goes. {starts to drink 

Dabbler. No, here she comes. ( crosses l.) Hide it, hide it. 

Kilter Mrs. Muddle, r. e., remains at entrance. 

Muddle, {aside, hides bottle) Oh Lord, site’s caught me. 

{very nervous 

Mrs. M. {comes c., looks suspiciously at Muddlb) Jasper Jay, what’s 
the matter, have you got the St. Vitus dance? 

Muddle. No my dear, l have had a. rush of something to the head 
and it has made me slightly dizzy, that’s all. (ffoes to l. corner 

Mrs. M. The natural effects of prolonged dissipation, no doubt. 
{sits at table, l.) You ought to be ashamed of yourself, but then you 
are utterly lost to all sense of shame, {to Dabbler) Mr. Dabbler. 

I understand you have made the ear a special study? 

Dabbler. Yes, Madam, 1 flatter myself I possess considerable 
knowledge of the human ear. 

Mrs. M. I am glad to know this, and I would like to avail myself 
of your scientific knowledge in my case. You may be able to afford 
me some relief, for years I have suffered in silence. 

Muddle, {aside) Suffered in silence! Whoever heard of a woman 
suffering in silence. 

Mrs. M. I uttered no word of complaint, for I well knew I’d get. 
no sympathy, even from those from whom I had the best right to 


MY A WFUL WIFE. 


expect it. (looks sternly at Muddle 

Muddle, (aside) She means me. 

Mrs. M. Now I am ready, you can proceed. 

Dabbler. One word of explanation, Madam. Before we proceed 
any further, there is one thing absolutely necessary in this case, ami 
that is, that this medicine must be administered by the loving hands 
of your husband. 

Mrs. M. Oh well, in thatca.se I'll have to submit, but tell him to 
be careful, (to Muddle) Now I am ready. 

Dabbler, (aside to Muddle, handing him vial) Now old man, brace 
up, or you’ll give the whole snap away. Remember, breathe through 
your nose. 

Muddle, (takes vial, crosses c aside) Say, Dabbler, i don't half 
like this job. 

Dabbler. Remember, give her only four drops. 

Muddle, (to Mks. Muddle) My dear, lend me your ear. 

Mrs. M. Jasper Jay, this is no time for levity. 

t M us. M t'DDi.K lays head on arm 

Muddle. I assure you, my dear, 1 was never more serious in all 
my life. Are you ready? 

Mrs. M. Yes. 

Muddle. Then let her go. 

( pours contents of vial in her ear , she gradually becomes unconscious 

Dabbler. Ah ha, plunged into the profound slumber of sweet 
oblivion. How many drops did von give her? 

Muddle. I forgot to count them. 

Dabbler. Forgot to cound them! I told you only four drops. 

Muddle. In my excitement I forgot to count. 

Dabbler. Unhappy man! vour forget fulness may cost you your 
life. 

Muddle. Well, I’ll be hanged. 

Dabbler. You won’t be hanged, you’ll be electrocuted; a more 
humane and expeditious mode of capital punishment, and you’ll be 
another martyr to the glorious cause of experimental science. 

(goes to l. corner 

Enter Salt.y, l. e. 

Sally. A gentleman to see Mr. Muddle. 

Muddle. Who is he, Sally? 

Sally. Inspector Pinchim, Chief of Police. 

Dabbler. Show him in, Sally. (exit Sally, l. k. 

Muddle. Oh, Dabbler, why did you say that? 1 was going to send 
him word that 1 was out. Here’s a nice situation for a gentleman of 
my position. 

Dabbler. Oh, brace up man, if he sees you so agitated, it’ll be a 
dead give away. (goes to l. corner 

Muddle. What else would you call it but a dead give away, when 
mv wife here may be a corpse. 

Sam. (heard off l.) Where is he? 

Muddle. You hear that! they’re after me already, (runs to it. k. 

Enter Sammy, l. k., followed by Sally 

Sam. Oh. let me at him! 

Muddle, (at n. e.) Who do you want? 


MY AWFUL WIFE. SS 

Sam. (up e.) That. Infallible Remedy man. 

Dabbler, (goes to k. corner, taking off coat) If that’s ail. I guess I 
can accommodate you. 

Sally, (comes u. c.) Hold! you shall not touch one single hair on 
my Sammy’s head. 

Sam. Right you are. Sally, for there ain't a single hair to (ouch. 

Sammy removes hat , shows bald head , (he should wear a scalp) all, scream — 
Sai.i.y falls in chair i„ of table. Dabbi.ek k. of table, Sammy stands 
C., Muddi.e falls on sofa,. 


CUR TA IX. 


ACT IV. 

SCENE. — Plain room, recess up k. between two flies , doors u. and i,., 
table and tioo chairs l., screen up l. c\ 

Enter Ada, k. k. as curtain rises Sai.i.y is heard singing off i,. 

Ada. (calls) Sally, come here! 

Enteo' Sai.i.y, i,. k. 

Sally. Did you call me, Miss Ada? 

Ada. Yes, have you seen father this afternoon? 

Sally. Yes, Miss, I saw him down by the fish-pond, and he was 
acting very funny, Miss. 

Ada. Funny, Sally, what do you mean? 

Sally. He cut up like as if he had wheels in his head. 

Ada. Wheels in his head? I don’t understand you. 

Sally. Well, as if he was out of his mind, gone clean cra/.v. 

Ada. Indeed! what was he doing? 

Sally. Walking up and down like a sentry on guard, and talking 
to himself, I could hear every word. He clasped his hands to his 
head this wa>, (puts both hands to her head) and said, “What have I 
to live for? Nothing—then let me die.” That’s what 1 heard him 
say, Miss, then I got scared and ran away. 

Ada. Poor father! I fear his mind is giving way. If seems to 
me, that ever since this Mr. Dabbler has come here, there has been 
nothing but trouble and confusion. ;sits u. of table 

Sally. That’s a fact, Miss. His Infallible Remedies are a nuisance 
and he himself is a regular crank. Look at my poor Sammy, he had 
a beautiful head of red hair, and now his head is as smooth as a 
billiard ball, and lie’s got to wear a wig. 

Ada. You need not worry about that, Sally, he’s a young man, 
and his hair will grow out again, thicker and redder than before. 

Sally. Oh, Miss, don’t say redder than before; if so, he’ll have to 
go as head-light of a locomotive. 

Ada. Have you seen mother this afternoon? 

Sally. No, Miss, 1 asked the master and he said she had gone to 
I he races. 


Note:- Price of scalp, 50cts.. Ames' Publishing Co., Clyde, (). 




MY A WFUL WIFE 


S/ f 


Ada. To (lie races? 

Sally. That’s what he said. 

Ada. Ridiculous nonsense. 

Sally. That’s what I said, and so l thought there was something 
wrong in Ins upper story, because I knew that Missus would never 
attend the races. She couldn’t even bear the thought of horse-rac¬ 
ing. She always said it was cruelty to deaf and dumb animals, anil 
that it ought to be stopped, and as for that Mr. Dabbler, the Infalli¬ 
ble Remedy man, it's my opinion he ain’t nothing but a regular 
crank. 

Ada. 1 think you’re quite right, Sally, (rises and goes to u. e.) 
Come with me, Sally, I want you to help me pack my suit case, L 
am going to the city. 

Sally. Oh, Miss Ada, you ain’t going to elope and get married on 
the si}', are you '! 

Ada. (laughs) I elope, Sally! What on earth put that into your 
head? Why should I do such a thing? 

Sally. 1 don’t know why, only a great many young ladies do, be¬ 
cause it’s so romantic, you know, besides I thought you might want 
to euchre the old woman. 

Ada. Sally, how dare you! 

Sally. I mean your mamma, because she’s dead sore on yout 
sweetheart, Charley, and won’t let you marry him. She wants you 
to marry that old “Stick in the Mud,” Deacon Spyder. 

Ada. Well, Sally, make your mind easy on that point. I have no 
intentions of eloping. When I get ready to marry. I’ll fear nobody. 

1 shall point with pride to my affianced husband and say to the 
world. “There stands my future Lord and Master, l take him with 
all his imperfections on his head. (exit L. e. 

Sally. Me too when l marry Sammy, I shall say to the world, 
“There stands my future Lord and Master, 1 take him with all the 
hair off of his head.” ( exit l. k. 

Enter Muddi.k. b. e., with wine bottle, two glasses and cigar box, looks 
cautiously around, places bottle and box on table, calls to Dabbler 
off K. 

Muddle. Come in, Dabbler, the coast is clear. 

Enter Dabbler, k. e. 

Dabbler. And the patient, no doubt, sleeps peacefully still. 

Muddle. The first time she was ever still in all her life. 

Dabbler. Come, let us take a peep at her. 

(both go wp to recess, draw curtains back 

Enter Deacon Spyder, i.. k., sees them, hides behind screen. 

Muddle. I’m almost afraid to look at her, what if she should wake 
up. 

Dabbler. Nonsense, man, she may never wake up. 

Muddle. She looks as natural as life itself. 

Dabbler. It is life and death at the same time, (goes and sits r. of 
table) In her case it may be more death than life. 

(Muddle sits i„ of table 

Deacon, (aside, behind screen) What’s this I hear? Mrs. Muddle 


MY A WFUL \YIFE. So 

dead? They have poisoned her. Oh, the depravity of human 
nai nre. 

Dabbler, (pours out vine) But come, let us enjoy ourselves, and 
bitl dull care be gone. As we journey through life, let us live by 
the way, “Eat, drink and be merry." 

Muddle. Of course, Dabbler, you know the rest of the proverb. 

Dabbler. Oh yes, “Eat, drink and be merry, for to-morrow you 
die." 

Muddle. I hope not, though 1 have a strange presentiment of 
corning danger. 

Deacon, (aside) He is right. I’ll have them both arrested for 
m urder. 

Dabbler. Nonsense, man, it’s your weak nerves. There’s an old 
aud a true saving, that weak nerves are the devil's fiddle strings, 
and he plays many a strange tune upon them. Come, drink a toast 
with me, (holds tip glass) “Here’s to King, Death the Master of Idle, 
whose reign is eternal.’’ (both drink 

Muddle. Dabbler, although I drink to that toast. 1 don’tquitelike 
the sentiment. Talking of death sends a cold chill right through 
me. 

Dtibbler. Nonsense, man, as I said before, it’s your weak nerves. 
You are not to allow your imagination to det hrone your reason, aud 
run away with your common sense. If the worst comes to the worst, 
you’ll not be hanged, you’ll only be electrocuted. See wha t aglorious 
advantage you enjoy by living in this enlightened 20th. century. 
A man can now be put to deat h as quietly and gently as a little babe 
can be lulled to sleep in it’s mother’s arms. 

Muddle. Quite true, but one dies all the same. 

Dabbler. Of course you die. but it takes the sting out of death to 
die in such a luxurious manner. It might be called “Dying made 
easy, or how to shuffle off this mortal coil.” 

Deacon, (aside) Oh, the fiends to talk so flippantly of death. 

Muddle. I say. Dabbler, wouldn’t it be a good idea to remove the 
body to some secure place, it may be discovered here, and then we 
are lost? What do you say to t he coal hole? 

Deacon, (aside) The coal hole! They are going to remove the 
body. I’ll have them arrested at once. 

Dabbler. No, that would be extremely risky in her present frozen 
condition, she would break into a thousand pieces. 

Muddle Well, you know best, but in case of accident, are you 
quite sure you’ve got the antidote? 

Dabbler. Oh, quite certain. I never go without it. It’s in my 
coat pocket that I left hanging in the hall. But come, have another 
drink, it will brace you up a bit. (fills both glasses 

Muddle. All right, 1 want something to calm my agitated nerves. 
(both drink) You see. Dabbler, if 1 should be found out, the conse¬ 
quences would be frightful to contemplate. 

Dabbler, (takes cigar from box on table,) Then don’t contemplate 
them. Never meet trouble half way. (rises) Come, let us take a 
walk and a smoke in the garden. There is no tonic so bracing as 
pure fresh air. Come ajong. (exit r. k. 

Muddle, (rises) Dabbler is a good fellow and all that, but I 
heartily wish that he and his Concentrated Essence of The Milk of 
Human Kindness w * r at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. 

(business of peeping through curtain 


36 


MY A WFUL WIFE. 


Iceman, {heard, off L.) Ice! 

Muddle. ( nervous) Yes, yes, of course! I nearly forgot all about 
it. Now I must event a plausible story, a sort of a white lie. to 
throw the ice man off his guard. He'll think it a remarkable thing 
to put ice in here, and he may tell the neighbors about my wife. 
I have it, I shall tell him she is under the influence of ardent spirits. 
Of course that’s a lie, but then, the truth should not. be spoken at ail 
times, and the end justifies the means. If necessary, I’ll bribe him 
to keep quiet. I wouldn’t have the village gossips know of this for 
all the world. 

Iceman, {heard off l.) Ice! 

Muddle. Oh, Lord, l fear he’ll wake up the dead, {speaks off n.) 
Bring it in here, my friend. 

Enter Iceman, l. e.. with piece of ice. 

Iceman. Where do ye want it, sir? 

Muddle, {goes to rece.se, draws curtains aside) Put it right in here, 
my friend. Don’t be scared, it’s only my wife. 

(Ickman put* ice in recces 

Iceman. What’s the matter wilh the old lady, sir? 

Muddle. Now my friend, I’m going to take you in. 

Iceman, {surprised) Take me in, sir! What for? Sure I ain’t 
done nothing! 

Muddle. You don’t understand me! I’m not going to take you 
into custody, but into my confidence, and at the same time ask you 
to keep a secret. 

Iceman. All might, sir, I’ll kape anything ye give me. 

Muddle. 1 have no doubt of it, my friend. The real fact of the 
matter is. my wife is a little bit under the weather, in plain words, 
she’s intoxicated. 

Iceman. In plainer words she’s got a jag on, and she’s slapeing it 
off. 

Muddle. Yes, exactly, and the doctor ordered her to be kept in a 
cool place until she recovers. Now as a personal favor to me, l don’t 
wish you to tell the neighbors anything about this. 

Iceman. Not a syllable, sir, on the word of Moike Maloney, the 
iceman. Sure it’s none of me business. Oi’ve all thot 1 can do to 
moiud me own business, and bedad, Oi’m a wake behind at thot. 

Muddle. Of the entire quantity of ice you bring here daily, l want 
you to put one half in the refrigerator down stairs, and the other 
half in this recess until I lell you to stop. You understand? 

Iceman. Yes sor, and Oi’ll do thot same, and if ye told me to put 
the ice on the top of a red hot stove, Oi’d do it and ask no questions. 

Muddle. That’s right, my friend, l see you are a model man. 

Iceman. No sor, Oi’m an icemon and 6i always rnoind me own 
business. 

Muddle. That’s the way to get along in this world. A still tongue 
shows a wise head, {gives him a silver dollar) Here, my friend, Ts a 
little souvenir of the United States Mint in Washington; it’s le°-al 
tender and supposed to be worth one hundred cents, but that depeifds 
upon the state of the money market. Go now and remember the old 
proverb, “Silence is golden.” 

Iceman. And money talks i very toime. Long loife to ye sor. {goes 
to l. k.) May ye never die till Oi kill ye, and ye’ll live to be as’old 


MY AWFUL WIFE. 


37 


as Methusalah. Oi’ll do what ye told me and Rape me mouth shut, 
bekase Oi'm a. mon thot always moinds me own business and never 
moinds any (me else’s business, bekase their business is their busi¬ 
ness and none of my business. {exit l. k. 

Muddle, {yoes to r. e.) That iceman is full of business. Well, 1 
flatter myself I smoothed over that difficulty pretty well. When a 
man tells one lie, he has to invent a hundred others to support the. 
first. I now realize the truth of the old saying, that a successful liar 
needs a good memory. {exit u. re. 

Deacon, {comes from behind screen) I see it all. This is a clear case 
of cold blooded murder. I overheard their own confession, and the 
rascals were going to remove the body to the coal hole. They have 
evidently given her slow poison. Oh, the depravity of human nature. 
(.sees bottle, on. table, smells of it) Wine! {looks around, drinks) Yes, 
verily it is good wine. {drinks 

Enter Sally, i,. k., unseen by Deacon, sees him drinking. 

Sally, {aside) Get on to the old Spyder getting a jag on at 
master’s expense. Oh, the depravity of human nature. 

{exit l. e. quickly 

Deacon, {startled, looks around) l thought I heard a mysterious 
noise, {sits l.) To think of Jasper Jav Muddle beinga cold blooded 
murderer, is something frightful to contemplate. It is quite true 
that his wife. Mrs. Jezabel Muddle, had a terrible Lemper. (Mrs. 
Muddle peeps through curtain so as to l>c seen by audience) And it was 
almost enough to drive any man to murder, but he should have 
adapted another course. He could have gone to South Dakota and 
got a divorce. If she hail been my wife I’d have put her head in a 
sack or gagged her, to keep her tongue from wagging. If that wouldn’t 
do, I’d have engaged the services of an able bodied animal tamer to 
keep her in a cage. I really feel sorry for Jasper Jay Muddle for 
having had the misfortune to marry such ashe-devil -but there’s no 
accounting for tastes. Speaking of taste reminds me I’ll just taste 
that wine once more, it is most, palatable and refreshing, {turns to 
table, drinks) I shall now take a peep at the body and then hasten to 
the police station and put the officersof the law upon the track of 
the murderers, (goes to recess , draws curtain, looks in) Yes, she is 
dead, no doubt of it. 1 might say she is very dead, and she has made 
everyone so happy by dying, ye! she seems natural, the same vindic¬ 
tive expression as in life, the same vinegar face that soured every¬ 
thing it looked upon, (closes curtains) Bah! the very sight of her 
makes me sick, {goes to t,. re.) Nevertheless I must do my.duty as 
a Christian man and have Jasper Jay Muddle and his accomplice, 
Phineas Dabbler arrested at once. 1 shall now go for the police. 

{exit ii. e. 

Enter Mrs. Muddle, from recess. 

Mrs. M. t Deacon Spyder, the old canting hypocrite, the very man 
I considered my best friend, called me a she-devil and said the sight 
of me made him sick. I’ll get even with him for that, if for nothing 
else. As for that other pair of practical jokers, I’ll know how to 
deal with them when the time comes. I am glad 1 pretended to be 
under the influence of that narcotic, and I shall keep up the decep¬ 
tion. 1 may find out something more. I’ll hide in the wine-cellar, 


38 


MY A WFUL WIFE. 


and when my husband returns for a fresh supply of wine, as lie’s 
sure to do, I'll scare the life out of him. I’ll turn the tables on 
them. They’re not going to have all the fun to themselves, not if 
I can help it. There’ll be a regular surprise party in this house in 
the sweet bye and bye, or my name is not Jezabel Muddle. 

{exit u. k. 

Enter Sammy, l. k., cautiously. 

Sam. 1 wonder where Sally is? 1 want to see her. I hope the 
old woman ain’t around here. 1 don’t want to see her, and 1 guess 
she don’t want to see me neither, {goes to table) l went and bought 
me a wig. {takes off wig) It don’t fit very well, it’s too small for me 
and hurts my head, but its the best 1 could get for the money. I 
have to take it off now and then to give my head a rest, {place* wig 
on table) l wish Sally would come, (sits at table) I may as well 
wait here as anywhere else. There don’t seem to be anybody 
around, I must keep myself company, (takes bottle) That smells 
good, (drinks) It tastes good too. 1 hope it ain’t rough on rats. 
(drinks) No, 1 guess it ain’t, it’s w ine. I can’t leave it here to spoil. 
(drinks) Some men never know w hen they have enough, a nd that's 
the reason they drink too much. I’m different, you can’t give me 
too much. 1 always know when to stop, when the bottle’s empty. 
One last night-cap before 1 go. (drinks) 1 guess Sally must be out. 
No matter, 1 can leave my card and call again some other lime. 
(drinks, then feels in pockets for card) Where’s that card? (finds card) 
Oh, here it is—the Jack of Spades Sally will know my card: well, 
I'li take one last bracer and then be on my journey. (drinks 

Mr*. M. (heard off' u. calling) Sally, Sally! 

Sam. (jumps up) Oh Lord, the old woman, where shall 1 hide? 
(rushes around, looks behind screen) Not there, she’d be sure to find 
me. I’ll go this way. (goes to l. a. 

Iceman, (heard off L.) Ice! 

Sam. No I won’t, (goes to recess and looks in) Ah! this seems a 
snug looking spot. I’ll get in here. It feels tarnation cool, but it 
won’t be for long, and beggars can’t be choosers, so here goes, 
i (exit into recess 

Enter Mrs. Muddle, k. k. 

Mrs. M. 1 wonder where Sally can tie? I want to see her. 

Sum. (heardfrom recess , aside) So do l. 

Mrs. M. If 1 find she lias goto* to meet that clod-hopper lover of 
her s. LI! discharge her immediately. For the life of me 1 can’t 
imagine what she can see in that red headed idiot. 

Sam. (heard from r cress, aside) Redheaded idiot! She means me! 

Mrs. M. (goes to table, sees wig) What’s this, a wig? 

Sam. (from recess, aside) Mine, by thunder! 

Mrs. M. 1 wonder bow it came here? No matter, 1 shall keep it. 

Sam. (from recess, aside) The devil she will, then I’ll be out a wig. 
i Sally heard off' l. singing Mks. Muddle goes l., calls) Sally, Sally! 
come here, 1 wish to speak with you at onoel 

Enter Sally, l. r. 

Sally. I’m coming, ma’am. 

Mrs. M (shows wig) Sally, do you know anything about this? 


MY AWFUL WIFE. 39 

Sally. ( begins to cry) Oh, ma’am, he’s gone and made away with 
hiinsel I'. 

Mrs. M. Girl, what do you mean? 

Sally. Master, of course. He, told me he was going to drown 
himself in the fish pond, and now lie’s gone and done it, and it was 
vou drove him to it, by nagging at him all the time, then he cuts off 
his head and walks down and throws himself into the pond. Oh, 
oh, my pool* master, to think of him laying at the bottom of the 
pond without his head, he'll be sure to catch his death of rheumaliz. 

(weeps 

Mrs. M. Stop your crying, foolish girl. Can’t you see that this is 
not a human head, but only a wig? 

Sally. Then perhaps lie’s been scalped by Indians. There’s an 
Indian medicine show in the village. 

Mrs. M. Nonsense, girl! This wig, no doubt, belongs to this Mr. 
Dabbler, who may be an amateur actor. {places ioig on table 

Sally. Oh, wouldn’t that be glorious! to see him act out on the 
real stage just like Keene in Richard III, when lie jumps out of bed 
and cries, "Give me another horse” and wakes up to find it was only 
a nigh I -mare. 

Mrs. M. Girl, you should not go to theatres. Such places are very 
wicked iind demoralizing. 

Sally. Have you ever been to one? 

Mrs. M. I go to such a place—never! But from what 1 hear 

Sally. Oh, you’re not to believe all you hear, and only half what 
you see. If you’ve never been to a theatre, you don’t know nothing 
at all about them. 

Mrs. M. No, but I can imagine. 

Sally. Oh yes, you can imagine a heap of things that ain’t so. 
Your imagination is altogether too lively. The world is full of just 
such cranks, they become so goody, goody, that they end up by 
beinggood-for-nothing. Seeing is believing—go and see for yourself, 
and if you find anything demoralizing in seeing a good show, you 
must be mighty easy demoralized, that’s all I’ve got to say. 

{crosses to i,. corner 

Mrs. M. Girl, you should not speak so to me. 

Sally. ( tragically.) Then by all the gods, you should not so have 
taunted me! 

Mrs. M (screams and drops on chair) Oh, oh! (Sam laughs, Mks. 
Mi dim, k jumps up) What was that ? 

Sally, (tragically) ’Tis but the idle wind which I regard not. 

Mrs. M. Stop this nonsense, girl, and listen to me. Can you keep 
a secret? 

Sally. If you can’t keep it yourself, how can you expect me to 
keep it for vou. I’m pretty full now. 

Mrs. M. What? 

Sally. Of family secrets, 1 mean—you think you’re the only one, 
but there are others just as numerous. 

Mrs. M. It’s my opinion there’s something wrong going on in 
this house. 

Sally, (laughs) Something wrong going on ? Why, that ain’t no 
secret, I knew it all the time. 

Mrs. M. In my opinion I here’s a diabolical plot on foot. 

Sally. I don’t know whether it’s on foot or horseback, but what’s 


MY AWFUL WIFE. 


40 

it nil about. 

Mrs. M. The plot I allude to aims at my happiness, perliaps my 
life, but 1 shall take slops to foil tin* villains. 

Sally. 1 see you're going to queer their little game'.' 

Mrs. M. Yes, and in order to do so, 1 am going to disappear for a 
ti me. 

Sally, (aside) 1 wish she’d disappear forever, we’d have some 
peace in the house. 

Mm. M. But 1 shall return when they least, expect me. 

Sally. 1 don't doubt, it. 

Mrs. M. But, in the meantime, 1 don’t wish you to tell anybody 
of my whereabouts. 

Sally. How can l tell anybody of your whereabouts, when 1 don't 
know w hereabouts you’ll be. 

Mrs. M. (yam l<> it. e.) Remember, Sally, no matter what hap¬ 
pens, no matter who asks for me, you know nothing. (exit it. e. 

Sally. 1 know nothing, that'll be easy enough. (gars to table ) It's 
the softest job I ever got in my life. This family is funnier than a. 
circus, (sits at table, takes up wig) I'd like to know who this wig 
belongs to? 

Enter Sammy, from recess. 

Sam. To me, Sally. (takes wig from Sau.y 

Sally, (startled, rises) Oh, Sammy, you frightened me so! How 
on earth did you get in here? 

S<tni. By llie door, of course. You don’t suppose I could gel in 
through the key-hole, do you ? 1 heard the old woman's voice calling 

“Sally, Sally!’’ 1 knew she didn’t mean me. so 1 jumped into that 
ice-chest yonder, and in my haste, 1 forgot my wig. 

Sally. Wei!. Sammy, you needn’t have gone to the expense of 
buying that wig at all, for I have another bottle that, will fix you all 
right. 

Sam. No, thanks, 1m fixed now. No more Infallible Remedies 
for me. I'm going to let nature take it’s course now. If my hair 
don't come out again, it can stay in. 1 don't care. It’ll >ave me 
lot’s of money in hair cuts, and when we are married. Sally, you 
can’t drag me around by the hair of the head, there's some comfort 
in that. 

Sally. Sammy, 1 must tell you all. it was my fault, the bottle I 
gave you was intended for me. I got them mixed and gave vou the 
wrong bo 11 le. 

Sam. (pretends to cry) Oh, Sally, Sally, silly Sally, why did you 
put up such a job on me? What have 1 ever done to you? Haven’t 
I always bought you chewing gum and ice-cream soda when I had 
the money. First you go and steal awa\ my heart, then you end up 
by taking till the hair off my head. Oh, this is more than llesh and 
blood can bear! Oh. it's too much, too much! It's the last straw 
that breaks the elephants trunk. Oh, oh, oh! (goes to t,. corner 

Sally, (follows him, coaxing) Oh. Sammy, don’t cry, I didn't mean 
it. it was all a m istake, indeed if was. Hairless or brainless, vou are 
all the same to me. ( puts arm around his neck 

Sam. (smiles) Oil, Sally. I wasn't crying. 1 was only guying. I 
bought this w ig on purpose, so that 1 might get the job and be near 
you all file I i me. 

(specialties may be introduced here M t dole ,after specialty, heard off n. 


MY A WFUL WIFE. 


41 

Sally. Sammy, that’s master; you'd belter get into vour hiding 
place, quick, till 1 see w hat he wants. IT he comes in he will catch 
you. 

Sam. Hut Sally, that's the ice-box. I’ll freeze to death. 

Sally. Nonsense, the ice-box is down stairs. You will have to 
stay only a minute. 

Sam. (at recess, shivers) I'll catch my death of cold, I know I 
shall. 

Sally. Wait a minute. I’ll soon fix you out all right. (exit 1 ,. 10 . 

Sam. (yoes to table, drinks out of bottle) And in the meantime, I'll 
bid good-bye to an old friend. 

Enter Sai.i.y, l. e. , with a summer overcoat , catches Sammy drinking. 

Sally. Here! put that down and put this on. (Sammy places battle 
on table) It belongs to the Infallible Remedy man, but he won’i 
miss it for a time. (Sammy puts on overcoat) Now in with you, and 
when you get a chance, Colne down to the kitchen and you shall 
have a good dinner, then you can escape through I he coal hole. 

_ (exit Sammy, into recess 

Sam. (heard from recess) Oh, Lord, this is like a game of hide and 
seek. 

Sally. Hush! 

Iceman, (heard from off l. k.) Ice! (exit Sai.i.y, k. k. 

Sam. (heardfrom recess) Here’s t.hal Irishman with ice. What 
the devil is he putting it in here for? I’ll have a dandy attack of 
chills before l get out of this. I wish I had brought that bottle in 
here with me. 

Enter Iceman, i„ e., with ice. 

Iceman. The ould gint told me to put ice in here until he told me 
to stop, and Oi always do what Oi’m told and ask no questions. 
(places ice in recess) Bedad, the. old lady’s gone, but there's another 
in there now with a jag on. Bedad, this is s great family for jags, 
so it is, but it’s none of me business, so il aint. Oi always moind 
me own business, (sees bottle.on table) Bedad, there’s a bottle. Oi do 
be wondering if there’s anything in it. (examines bottle) Bedad. it's 
nearly full and Oi am nearly empty. Bedad. I’ll divide with the 
bottle. Oi’ll take one-half and give Hie bottle the other, (drinks) Bee- 
jabers, but thot’s good stuff, so it is. Oi don’t blame the old lady 
for getting full. (drinks 

Sam. (aside, looks out) Oh, Lor’, that Irishman won’t leave me a 
drop. (whistling like a canary bird heard off 1 ,. 

Iceman. Thot do sound like a canary bird. I loves to hear them 
sing, the little darlings There’s no bird Oi loikes as well as a 
canary bird, except it’s a Thanksgiving turkey, when they’re well 
stuffed with sage and onions, (drinks) Bedad, thot goes to the 
might spot; it’s eating and drinking at the same toime. 

Sam. (heard, from recess, aside) There won’t be much drinking 
left when he gets through with it. 

Iceman. Any mou who could fill up on thot stuff all the w inter, 
wouldn’t want no overcoat, so he wouldn’t. He’d be as snug as a 
bug 111 a rug, so be would. Oi'll take a little more, my job’s « bard 
one, so it is; carrying big chunks of ice ain’t what it’s cracked up 


MY A WFUL WIFE. 


4* 

to bp. so it ain’t, (drink* Sammy pokes head out from recess and sees 
the Iceman drink—bell heard \„) Some one is coming, Oi'm going. 

(exit l. e. 

Enter Sally, k. k. 

Sally. There’s some one at the door. ( exit l. e. 

Sam. I’d better be getting out of here, or I’ll get into trouble. 
(disappears) Oh. " hat become of that wig. I must find it and then 
for the kitchen and through the coal hole to liberty. 

Enter Deacon, l. e. 

Deacon. Well, l have given information to the police, and they’ll 
be here presently. 

Sant, (heard from recess, aside) I'll be out of here presently. 

Deacon. I shall now lake a look into yonder recess, to make cer¬ 
tain that they have not removed the corpse to the coal hole. 

Sam. (from recess , aside) Corpse to the coal hole? What the 
devil is he talking about? 

Deacon. On second thoughts I won’t look, I’ll just feel if it’s 
there, (puts hand in recess, Sammy bites him, Deacon screams) A 
most extraordinary thing. I accidentally placed my hand in the 
mouth and she bit me. The jaws closed upon my hand like a snap¬ 
ping turtle. I suppose it’s what the doctors call muscular contrac¬ 
tion. it may prove dangerous. I must hasten to a drug store at once 
and get something for it before blood poisoning sets in. I’ll be back 
in time to witness the arrest. (exit k. e. 

Enter Sammy, from recess. 

Sam. Back in time to witness my arrest. Oh, well, I guess not, 
I’ll get right out of here. 

Muddle, (heardfrom off k.) Dabbler, I insist upon it. 

Sam. Oil Lord, I’m in for life. (exit into recess again quickly 

Enter Muddle and Dabbler, r. e. 

Muddle, (r. c.) Now see here. Dabbler, this joke has gone far 
enough. I say, produce your antidote aud restore her to conscious¬ 
ness. This agony of doubt and suspense is more than I can bear, 
when I think of the horrible mystery behind yonder curtain, sleep¬ 
ing. perhaps, in death, I tremble, and again l say, produce your 
a n t idote. 

Dabbler. Very well, friend Jasper. In order to set your mind at 
rest. I shall go and get my overcoat and show you the antidote. 

(exit l. k. 

Muddle. Although I’ve had a good time since my wife has been 
under the influence of that wonderful drug. I’ve been continually 
haunted by a dread that somet hing might happed. 

(goes to chair l. of table 

Enter Dabbler, l. k. 


Dabbler. It’s gone! 

Muddle. What's gone? 

Dabbler. The overcoat, and antidote are lost! 


MY AWFUL WIFE. 




Muddle. Antidole lost? Then I’m lost! Oh, Lord! 

{drops on chair 

Dabbler. We may yet hope to recover it; it may be only stolen. 

Muddle. Lost, strayed or stolen, what’s the difference, it’s gone 
a ml I’ll be ha nged. 

Dabbler. Oh, not quite so bad as that, you’ll only be electrocuted. 

Muddle. Oli, w hat shall 1 do? 

Dabbler. There’s one thing you can do. Send for an officer a.nd 
deliver yourself up to justice, or flee the country at once. Yet, I 
have still one hope. There’s a scientific friend of mine in the city, 
who has a large supply of the antidote in stock. I’ll go to the depot 
and telegraph him to send me some at once. I am sure he will do 
so that is, if he has not gone to Europe. 

Muddle. If he has not gone to Europe, and the life of my wife 
hangs upon this, if— {excited 

Dabbler. Oh, well, don’t get excited over it. Mistakes will hap¬ 
pen in the best regulated families, you know. I have lost my over¬ 
coat. 


Muddle. Oh, hang your overcoat. 

Dabbler. I did hang it in the hall, but it’s not there now. I sup¬ 
pose some tramp must have stolen if. It’s not the value of the over¬ 
coat, bui the antidote. 1 regret this sail occurrence very much, 
friend M uddle; but brace up old man, and remember you'll only 
have to die once. 

Muddle. Die once, and ain’t that quite enough? How many 
times do you want a man to die, in order to be dead? {rises and goes 
to it. k.) I must have fresh air, or I slfall go mad. Dabbler, do 
hasten to the depot and telegraph to your friend and tell him to send 
on the antidote as quick as possible. It’s a matter of life and death. 

{exit k. e. 

Dabbler. It’s really too bad. I feel sorry for the old man, and l 
feel sorry for the loss of my overcoat. I'll go and send that telegram, 
and at the same, time. I'll send a detective up here to trace my coat, 
and if it’s stolen, catch the thief. Even if life old lady should die, 
she'll only be another martyr to the gorious cause of experimental 
science, and one failure will be no argument against the general 
efficacy of my Universal Infallible Remedy, The Concentrated Es¬ 
sence of The Milk of Human Kindness. {exit l. e. 


Enter Sammy, from recess. 

Sam. Well, confound him and his Infallible Remedies and Con¬ 
centrated Essence, he has turned this house into a wholesale and 
retail lunatic asylum, and now he's gone for a detective to have me 
pinched. 1 guess this must be his overcoat. I dare notgo out. in the 
hall to hang if up. I'll go down and leave if with Sally, and she’ll 
put it hack where it belongs. He’s gone for a detective, eh? I’ll 
feel safer on the outside of this house. Now for l he kitchen, a square 
meal, then through the coal hole to freedom and the open air. 

{exit k. k., leaving toig in recess 

Enter Ada, l. e. , followed by Sadly Ada goes to n. of table. 


Ada. ■ Sally, you see I’ve returned sooner than I expected. Well, 
how’s everybody and everything since I’ve been away? 

{sits at table 


MY A WFUL WIFE. 


U 


Sally. Kverything’s topsy turvy, Miss, and as soon as mv month 
is up, I’m going to quit. I can’t stand it no longer, so I cau l. Your 
mamma has disappeared, the Lord knows where, and I don't care, 
and my poor master is out id' his head. I saw him a lew minutes 
ago rushing around the garden looking for a nanny goat. 

Aiin. A nanny goat? 

■S '(tilt/. Yes, Miss Ada, he says that the Infallible Remedy man 
had a nanny goal in his overcoat pocket, and that- he lost it, and 
that’s a clear proof that master’s gone crazy. The idea of anyone 
hav ing a nanny goat in his coat pocket is rhinocerous. 

Ada. Preposterous, you mean Sally. For some time past, I have 
suspected that father’s mind was slightly unbalanced, so I have 
consulted an eminent physician regarding his case; he’s a specialist 
on t lie m i nd. 

Sally. A specialist in his mind.? 

Aila. No. mind doctor, an expert on insanity, a physician who 
makes the human mind a special branch of study. 

Sally. I know one of those brain storm doctors they talk so much 
about. 

Ada. 'That was my object in visiting thecity, to bring this doctor 
here and have him examine father’s -brain. 1 wish to find out if 
his case is a serious one, and if so, we must send him to a private 
asylum, (rises) Where is father now, Sally? 

Sally. In the garden I think, Miss. 

Ada. (goes to n. k.) Very good, I’ll find him and tell him of the 
doctor's Coming, and also prepare papa, to receive him. (exit k. k. 

Sally. Yes. and I'll get Sammy out of here, {calls) Sammy, 
Sammy! {looks in at recess) I do declare, he’s gone and left his wig 
behind him. I guess he’s in the kitchen, {yets wig) No matter, I’ll 
take care of this for him. {bell heard off i„) I'll bet that’s doctor 
specialist come to examine master’s brains. I’ll go and see. 

{exit e. 

b.ater Ada, k. k., followed by Muddle. 


Ada. Now papa, for my sake, you’ll receive the doctor kindly, 
and allow him to make a thorough examination. I fear your nervous 
system has gone to pieces. 

Muddle. Yes, mv dear, and I can't even save the pieces, (sits it. 
of table) Well, to please you my dear, I’ll receive this doctor. 

Ada. {(foes to 1.. e.) Thank you, papa, I’ll send him to you. 


(exit 1,. E. 

Muddle. It’s a very extraordinary, and unaccountable thingabout 
the loss of Dabbler's overcoat containing the antidote. If has 
plunged me info a state of nervous pros! ra lion, border 1 ng on iusan i tv. 
My step-daughter imagines there's something vvrong wit h mv mental 
machinery—perhaps she's right. Sometimes l think I am insane. 
However, it can do no harm to let the doctor make an examination. 
It may afford me considerable amusement, (laughs) It’s a good 
joke though just the same. Ha, ha, ha! I must have a drink on 
the head of it to quiet my nerves. (drinks out of bottle 


Fater Deacon Spydek and Officer, l. e. 

Deacon, (aside to Offi*ckk) Officer, there’s your man, do your 
duty. He’s a desperate character, don’t let him escape. 


MY AWFUL WIFE. 45 

Officer) (aside to Deacon) No fear sir, if he escapes it’ll he over 
my dead body. 

Deacon, (aside to Officer) Good, I’ll leave the rest to yon. Von 
have your instructions, see that you carry them out. I'll return 
shortly. (exit u. ic. 

Muddle, (does not see Officer) As 1 said before. I’m not much sur¬ 
prised at my daughter sending for a doctor on insanity. What 
would she think if she had only known that l may have been guilty 
of murder. 

Officer, (comes down c., aside) That’s my man, sure. 

Muddle, (turns, sees Officer, aside) The doctor! (aloud) How 
do you do sir? Be seated. I'm glad to see you. 

Officer. You are Jasper Jay Muddle, are you not? 

Muddle, (aside) A rather queer looking doctor, l must say. 
(aloud) Yes, 1 am Jasper Jay Muddle, and 1 understand the nature 
of your business here. 

. Officer. Indeed! 

Muddle. Yes, you see my daughter told me all, so you can go 
ahead. I suppose you’ll want to see my tongue first? 

Officer. To see your tongue? 

Muddle. Yes, or to feel my pulse? 

Officer. Feel your pulse? You must be crazy! 

Muddle. Well, that’s what you’re here for, ain’t it, to see whether 
I’m crazy or not. You’re a mind doctor, are you not ? 

Officer. No sir, I’m an officer of the law, and I have a warrant for 
your arrest. 

Muddle, (rises, surprised) A warrant for mv arrest? (aside) Is it 
possible my daughter could have done this? (aloud) Officer, what 
is the. charge? 

Officer. The murder of your wife. Mrs. Jezabel Muddle. 

Muddle. But she may not be dead yet. 

Officer. For your sake I hope not, but I must do my duty and ar¬ 
rest you. 

Muddle. Never! I shall die first! 

MuuDr.K runs to r. e. and exits quickly , Officer runs after him and col¬ 
lides with Sammy as he enters, who is thrown to floor. 

Officer, (to Sammy) Oh. get out of my way! (exit r. e. 

Sam. Gee gosh, all the lunatics are on the war path. I guess 
they’re playing tag. (gets up) I came back after my wig. (goes to 
recess) By thunder, it’s gone! Wig or no wig, 1 must clear out of 
here before I’m caught. That Infallible Remedy man has gone for a 
detective. Fd better take off his coat, or I’ll spend my honeymoon 
in Sing Sing pen, so here goes! (about to take off' coat, has back to L. e. 

Enter Dr. Cranium, l. *. 

Dr. Cranium, (aside) His daughter told me I would find him in 
here. Sammy) Ah! sure enough there he is. (aloud) Ahem! 

Sam. (turns, sees Doctor, aside) The detective, by thunder! I’m 
pinched at last, but I’ll die game! 

Doctor. My friend, you need not take off that coat. (w. c. 

Sam. Well. I 'didn’t steal it, I only borrowed it, and if you want 
you can have it, but you can’t have me. (throws coat at Doctor 


4« 


MY A WFUL Wlh'K. 


Doctor, (throws coat off' i„, aside) Mad as a March hare, i'll have 
to humor him. {aloud) My friend, I’m glad to see you looking so 
hale ami hearty. Indeed 1 might say fresh. 

Sam. Don’t you tell me I’m fresh, or I’ll— (excited 

Doctor. Claim yourself, my friend, 1 did’t intend anything personal 
I assure you. Now to business—put out your tongue. 

Sam. Mv ma always told me it wasn’t polite to put out my 
tongue a t folUs. 

Doctor. Oh, but I have an object in asking you. It’s part of my 
profession, you see, so you needn't mind me. 

Sam. Well, if 1 needn’t mind you. here goes, (opens mouth a little 

Doctor. Open your month a little wider. 

Sam. You ain’t going to jump down my throat, are you? 

Doctor. Jump down your throat, man, not at all. 

Sum. 1 thought as how you might be one of those juggling fel¬ 
lows that find eggs in one’s vest pockets and takes silver dollars out 
of your nose? 

Doctor. No, my friend, I’m not as you suppose, a sleight-of-hand 
performer. In examining your tongue, 1 simply wish to diagnose 
your— 

Sam. Dye my nose? That settles it. There was another fellow 
here who fried to dye my hair, and see the trick he played upon me. 
(removes hat) No more dyeing goes. 

Doctor, (aside) I fear lie is hopelessly insane, (aloud) Permit 
int- to ask you a question? 

Sam. Hold on a bit, I’ve got the floor. Let, me ask you a question 
first; ain’t you a copper in plain clothes, sent here to pinch me? 

Doctor. No, my friend, I’m a mind specialist. 

Sam. What’s that? 

Doctor. Au alienist, an expert on insanity. I am the head of a 
Lunatic Asylum. 

Sam. You're one of the head crazy ones? 

Doctor. No sir, I m the head physician, and your daughter 
brought me here to examine and report upon your mental condition. 

Sam. (aside, laughs) My daughter. Well, if t his ain’t a bug house, 
proper, I’ll eat my hat. This may be one of the crazy ones broke 
loose. I'll keep him at a safe distance, lie may be dangerous. 

Doctor, (looks at watch) Now my friend, as my time is money, 
we’ll proceed at once to business, (advances toward Sammy) 1 want 
to examine the pupil of your eye. 

Sam. (picks up chair) Stand back on your life! 1 ain’t got no 
pupils in my eye. Dou’tyou dare to come near me! (ready to strike 

Doctor. Why not, my friend? 

Sam. (at u. corner) Because you’ve been eating onions. 

Doctor, (at i,. corner, aside) He’s certainly insane, 1 never ate an 
onion in my life, (aloud) Now answer me one last question; do von 
ever feel a strange sensation about your head? 

Sam. Yes, and so would you, if all your hair fell off in one night. 

Doctor. 1 mean inside your head? Do you ever experience a 
strange buzzing noise? 

Sam. If you mean to tell me I’ve got a buzz saw in my head, I’ll 
lay you out cold. 

(Sammy and Doctor struggle ad. lib., and exeunt it. k 

Doctor, (calls) Help, help! 


MY A WFUL WIFE. 

Knttr Ada, l. e followed by Sai-i-t. 


47 


Ada. I am sure I heard cries for help. Go, Sally, and find out 
what's Ihe mailer. Il may be a quarrel between father and the 
doc lor. 

Salty. Il may (goes to k. k.) and then again it may net. I’ll go 
and see. (exit K. E 

Ada. This entire household is in a terrible stale of commotion, 
and for the life of me. I cannot ascertain the cause. Oh, what can 
be i he matter with every tiling- and everybody. 

Enter Sammy, k. k., backward*. 

Sam. Well, I guess I’ve set tied him. 

Ada. (in l. corner) Settled whom? 

Sam. 'l'lie old fellow that wanted to dye my nose. 

A da. Dye your nose? Are you crazy? 

Sam. Not just now. but 1 soon will be if I don’t get out of here! 

Ada. Now my good man, collect yourself and tell me who and 
what you are. 

Sam. That’s what I’d like to know myself. A short time ago I 
was a. ha ndsome young man, with golden hair flowing down m v back, 
but now I’m shaven and shorn, as the day I was born, and all owing 
to that Infallible Remedy man. Then along comes another lunatic 
and tells me I’ve got a buzz-saw in my head. If that ain’t enough 
to set a fellow crazy, I’d like to know what is. (excited 

Ada. Now don’t excite yourself— keep cool — 

Sam. Keep cool? I’ve been on ice for the last two hours, (goes 
l. e. ) I must go now, I can no longer linger here. I have an en¬ 
gagement. (exit l. e. 

Ada. What an eccentric individual! I wonder who he is and 
what he could have been doing here? Sally ought to have returned 
by this time. I hope nothing serious has happened to the doctor. 

Enter Doctor, r. e.. coat torn, nose bloody , etc. 

Oh, doctor, what’s the matter? Have you seen papa? 

Doctor. Oh, yes, I’ve seen papa, and our interview was brief and 
bloody. Your papa is a raving maniac. He should be put in a 
straight jacket and a padded cell. He is hopelessly insane, the 
worst case of brain storm l ever met. 

Ada. Alas! my worst fears are realized, but I did not imagine he 
was so dangerous 

Doctor. As dangerous as a mad bull. It is not safe to have him 
at large any longer. At any moment he is liable to commit murder. 
Miss Bramble, would you kindly show me a place where I can wash 
off this blood, and then perhaps I can ascertain how much of ray 
nose remains on my face. 

Ada. (goes to i.. k.) This way, doctor, and believe me, I’m 
heartily sorry for what has happened. (exit. l. k. 

Doctor, (goes to i,. e.) I dare say, but you’re not half as sorry as 
lam. (exit l. e. 

Enter Salcy, r. e. 

Sally. Oh, my poor Sammy’s got into trouble. He was fighting 
with that brain doctor, and lie’s gone and half killed him. 

(goes to l. e. 


MY A WFUL WIFE. 
Enter Muddi.e, k. e. 


4 * 


Muddle. Well, l threw him into the fish-pond. Let him get out 
if lie can. (see* S\lly, goes and sits k. of table) Sally, did you v^e 
anything of a summer overcoat which Mr. Dabbler left hanging in 
the hall? 

Sally. Oh no indeed sir! not a summer overcoat, did 1 see this 
summer. 

Muddle Did you take notice of any tramps prowling around ihe 
neighborhood ? 

Sally. Notone, sir, except old Deacon Spyder. 

Muddle. 1 hardly think he'd steal it. The overcoat containing 
the antidote is gone forever. 

Sally. It’s too bad, sir. about the nanny goat, but if a Billy goat 
would do as well. 1 could tell you where, you could yet one cheap. 

Muddle. Sally, get out, you don’t know what you’re talking about. 

Sally, (goe* to l. k., aside) I'm sorry I had to lie to him about the 
overcoat, but 1 inusn’t give Sammy away now. 1 must find out 
what he did with it. (exit. r,. k. 

Muddle. It's all very Strange. The idea of my step-daughter 
bringing an officer here to have me arrested and telling me he was a 
mind specialist. I've often heard that women were more cunning 
than men. I can now believe it. 

Voice (heard off l.) “Evening papers! Last edition. All about 
the mysterious poisoning of a wife by her husband. Evening papers!’’ 

Muddle. Oh Lord, it’s in the newspapers already. 1 wonder if 
they’ve got my picture? I might as well give myself up to justice 
and end my miserable existence. In my present frame of mind, 
death would be a relief to me. 

Enter Ada, l. e. 

Ada. Oh papa, what have you done? 

Muddle. What have l done? That’s a nice question for you toasK 
me! What have 1 done? I’ve just served him right. 

Ada. Served him right? Oh, how can you say that, when he 
may never recover. 

Muddle. Nonsense, he’ll comp out all right; all he has to do is to 
keep his head above water. 

Ada. His head is above water, lie's bathing his nose now, but it 
still continues to bleed, and he may bleed to death. 

Muddle. Well, 1 don't care, it serves him right. You’re respon¬ 
sible for it all. What made you bring an officer here to have me 
arrested and then tell me a lie about his being a mind doctor ? That 
was a nice trick, 1 must say. 

Ada. (aside) An officer to have him arrested. I fear it’s only Loo 
true. Papa’s insane and must be incarcerated. 

Enter Offices, r. k. 

% 

Officer, (sees Muddle) Ah! there you are! You shan’t escape me 
this time. 

(puts handcuffs on Muddle, who then rises and goes to u. corner 

Ada. (to Officer) Hold, sir! who and what are you? 

Muddle, (to Ada) You ought to know. This is the officer you 


MY AWFUL WIFS. 




brought here to have me arrested, alias, your Mind Specialist. 

1 never saw this person before in all my life! (to Officer) 
Sir what is the charge and who is his accuser? 

Offleer. {produce* warrant) He is charged with the murder of his 
wife and his accuser is 


Enter Sai.lt, l. k. 

Sally, (announces) Deacon Spyder. (exit k. e. 

Enter Dr a con Spyder, L. r. 

Officer. Yes, this is the gentleman who swore out the warrants for 
the arrest of Jasper Jay Muddle and one Phineas Dabbler, his ac¬ 
complice. 

Deacon. Yes, Miss Bramble, as a lover of law and order, I deemed 
it in v duty to swear out the warrant and have them arrested for the 
murder. 

Ada. Bui Mr. Busybody, what proof had you that a murder had 
been committed. 

Deacon. I’ll soon show you the proofs, if it has not been removed. 
(gees to recess) The body of Mrs. Muddle is— 

Enter Sally, it. r. 

Sully. Right here and can speak for herself. 

Enter Mrs. Muddle, k. e. 

Ovanes. Alive— 

Sally And kicking. ^ 

Mrs. \1 Yes, alive, to thwart my enemies. I pretended to be un¬ 
conscious to find out your.little, scheme. You thought me dead, but 
I was not. I overheard everything. 

Muddle, (in k. corner, aside) Oh Lord, l wish I was dead right now. 

Sally. She w asn’t dead, she was only playing possum, (to Deacon) 
Oh, the depravity of human nature. 

Deacon. There lias been a deadful inistake somewhere, 1 can’t see 
through it. 

Sally. Of course yon can’t, because you ain’t so wide awake as 
you think you are. You’ve been beaten at your own game. 

Dabbler, (heard offi l.) Where’s my old friend, Jasper Jay? I’ve 
got the a ii I idote. 

Muddle. Oh darn the antidote. 

Enter Dabki.rk, l. a., goes to Muddlr, does not see, Mrs. Muddle near 

screen. 

Dabbler. It’s all right, we are saved; the antidote will be here in 
a few hours. 

Enter Sammy, l. e.. wean wig , with overcoat, hands same to Sally, 

stand up l. c. 

Sally. Oh, much less than that. Here’s your overcoat and 
nanny goat right here. 

Dabbler. An honest thief, suffering from remorse of conscince, 


MY A WFXTL WIFE. 


SO 

returned it. All this trouble would never have occurred, if my 
overcoat had not been stolen. 

Sally. It never was stolen, only borrowed to be returned in the 
nick of time. 

Dabbler. So much the better, we can now take care of your wife. 

Mrs. M. {comes c., to Dabbler) You need not trouble yourself, sir, 
his wife can take care of herself. 

Muddle. You bet she can! 

Dabbler. Alive! A miracle! A miracle! 

Mrs. M. No miracle at all, sir, 1 was never under the influence of 
your so-called drug. 

Dabbler. Strictly speaking, Madam, it's not a drug, but the Con¬ 
centrated Essence of The Milk of Human Kindness. 

Muddle, (aside) The Concentrated Essence of damn nonsense is 
what I’d call it. 

Mrs. M. It’s now time for me to assert my authority, (to Officer) 
Officer, take that vinegar face meddlesome old fool away; the sight 
of (indicates Deacon) him makes me sick. 

Officer, (to Deacon) 1 must place you under arrest. 

(Officer takes handcuffs off' Muddle and puts them on Deacon 

Deacon. But officer, I’ve done nothing. 

Officer. You have done altogether too much. You have made 
groundless charges against innocent persons and you must answer 
to the law. 

Deacon. But officer, I can explain. 

Officer. Then come along and explain to the Captain at the station. 

(exit Officer and Deacon, l. e. 

Sally, (at l. E.) Oh, the depravity of human nature, (sings) 
“Will you come into my parlor, said the spider to the dear little fly.” 

Ada. Sally, go and bring the doctor here. 

Sally (looks off l.) Here he comes, Miss, bringing himself, a little 
disfigured, but still in the ring. 

Enter Doctor, l. e., holding handkerchief to nose. 

Ada. (to Muddle) Now papa, you owe the doctor an apology 
for having assaulted him. 

Muddle., (crosses Dabbler to r. c.) I never saw the gentleman 
before in all m\ life—l swear it! 

Doctor. He is right, Miss Bramble, we have never met before. 
This is not the person who assaulted me. 

Ada. There’s some mystery here, (to Doctor) But you said it 
was papa. 

Doctor, (l. c.) Then all that 1 can say is that you must have two 
papas. (Sammy laughs loudly , Doctor sees him) Ah, there is the 
scoundrel who assaulted me. 

Sam. Well, 1 salted you because you was too fresh, you told me 
1 had a brain storm and a buzz-saw in my head. 

Mrs. M. Its only right that those practical jokers should be made 
pay for their fun. Doctor, send in a-bill of damages. 

Doctor. No, thanks, Madam,- I’ve got damages enough. The 
painful recollection of this professional visit will linger long in my 
memory. 

Ada. Mamma, since it was all ii mistake, why not forgive and 
forget. 


MT AWFUL WIFE. 


SI 


Muddle. Yes, my dear, let us kiss ar ] make up. 

Mrs. \f. Silence sir! 

Muddle. I'm sorry I spoke. {MU in chair, l. of table 

Ada. Now mamma, won’t you give ) >ur eo .cut, to my marriage 
with Charles? 

Mrs. \f. Yes. you can marry the man of your choice. 

Sally. And please ma’am, can I marry the man of i.y choice? 
See, he has got a new head of hair. 

Mrs. M. You can have him, if you don’t, no one else will. 

Dabbler . A double marriage. 1 shall give them for a wedding 
present one bottle of my Concentrated Essence of The Milk of 
H ii run n K i»idness. 

Muddle, (rises) Now' mv dear, allow me to say— 

Mrs. M. Not one word, sir! 

Muddle. ( falls hack in chair again) Crushed again and by “My 
Awful Wife.’’ A terrible thing to be a hen-pecked husband. 

Mrs. Muddi.k <j . Sammy and Sally l. c., Doctor l., Ada l. corner, 
Dabbler r. corner. Muddle t?i chair at table. 

CURTAIN. 

TBJ5 END. 


SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS. 

Home of Jasper J. Muddle—Charles and Ada—“You Let she’s coining, look 
out for the locomotive”—Arrival of the “Awful Wife” who proceeds to make 
things lively—“Ever since I married .your respected mamma, I have given up 
thinking”—A message from Ph ineas Dabbler, who dabbles in science—Jasper 
,I's soliloquy—Deacon Sp.vder astounded—“I must inform Mrs. Muddle of the 
outrageous conduct of her husband”—“Oh, the depravity of human nature”— 
Sally and the Deacon have words—“Verily, young woman, you are a stumbling 
block in the path of the righteous”—Mrs. Mudd le on the war-path—Ph ineas 
Dabbler arrives to spend his vacation with Mr. and Mrs. Muddle, which leads 
to more complications- Dabbler explains to Jasper J. h is Concentrated Essence 
of The Milk of Human Kindness, which they agree to try on Mrs. Muddle—More 
family jars—Sammy Dobbs, who applies for a situation, is hired by Jasper ,1. 
and is tired, immediately, by Mrs. Muddle, wtio dislikes his red hair—Sally, by 
mistake, mixes Dabbler’s In fallible Eradicate!’ and Capillary Transmogrifier 
and uses the wrong one on Sammy's red hair—“After three doses his mother 
won't know him” Jasper J. gives his wife an overdose of Dabbler’s Milk of 
Human Kindness—Deaeon Sp.vder overhears an important conversation—“I’ll 
have them arrested for murder - ’—A large order for ice—Sammy looses all his 
red hair The Deacon speaks his mind The lost antidote—Jasper, who is 
thought to be insane, meets the doctor—Disastrous results- Mrs. Muddle re¬ 
turns to life to thwart her enemies Deacon Spyder receives his just deserts 
--“Crushed again and by my ‘Awful Wife’”—“It’s a terrible thing to be a hen¬ 
pecked husband.” 


8 TA 0 E DIR EC T IGNIS. 

k.. means Right; l., Left: k. h., Right Hand; l. h., Left Halid; 
Center: s. E., f-d k.) Second Entrance; u. k.. Upper EnI ranee; 
m. i)., Middle Door; v.. the Elat; d. f., Door in Elat; k. c., Right 
of Center; l. c., Left of Center. 

K. R. C. C. L. C. jo 

*** Th** reader i 1 * supposed to be upon th“ ^tage facing the audience. 






NEW PLAYS.* 





Following are the Plays recently arlrled to the list of 

Ames’ Series of Standard and Minor Drama 


price i.* n:\ns i:u h. 


Pheelim O’Rooke’s Curse. 

An Irish Drama in 4 Acts, tor 15 male and 4 female 
characters ; doubles in’cast so that it can be produced by 
7 males and 3 females. The author, Geo. A. Simms, is 
rapidly coming to the front as a play writer, and in this 
piece he seems to have displayed his talent in a marked 
degree. In this piece abounds tine situations, unlocked 
for developments, etc. ; can be produced by amateurs. 


SYNOPSIS OF K VENTS. 

ACT I. Scent 1st —Laurel Court, England. Tl»e appeal and re¬ 
fusal. The whip. Threat. Curse of Pheelim O’ Rook**. Tin* hunt¬ 
ing party. Hugh Carlton. A dangerous servant. Song, ‘’Bryant 
Oliti!” The accident. Mrs. Carlton and Olin. Scene :3d —Plieejim 
O'Rookc. “Revenge is sweet 1” Scene 3d —Death of Lord Carlton. 
“Pheelim O’Rooke it was!” 

ACT II. Scene let —Bryant Olin and Hugh. A perilous under¬ 
taking. Hugh iu danger. Scene 2d —Attempt to kidnap Hugh 
frustrated by Bryant. A cowardly blow. Scene 3d —Mrs. Carlton 
at home. News of Hugh. Despair. The promise. Scene 4th —On 
the coast. Bryant Olin as a detective; disguises as a fiddler, and 
meets the gang. Scene 5th —Biddy McGee, the “Island star.” Hugh 
and Pheelim. “Caged at last!” The idiot boy. The wreck. 
Bryant Olin finds Hugh, and D discovered by Biddy, who gives the 
alarm. Scene 6th —Woods. Escape of Bryant. 

ACT Ill. Scene 1st —America. Hugh as newsboy. Ira Colton, 
a friend. Scene 2d. —Office of Ira Colton. Hugh as Peter Dotielli! 
Olin in America, in search of Hugh.” Scene 3d— The den. Pheelim 
and Peter. Peter tells his adventure. Scene 4t h— Grogshop. Peter 

and Bryant. Bar-room fight. Scene 5th — 1 The dem Peter and 
O’Rooke. Capt. Lennox. Peter’s illness. Suspicions, Trouble 
ahead. Apian. O’Rooke drunk. Capt. Lennox carries off Hugh. 
Bryant in search of Hugh. “Too late!” Mrs. Donneyhue. Th 
curse. 

ACT IV. Scene Is f—Club room. News of Hugh’s escape. Len¬ 
nox and Clemment to the rescue. Scene gd —Hugh escapes from 
window. Capt. Lennox and Clemment. The arrest of Capt. 

Lennox. Scene 3d —Capt ure of Hugh by O’Rooke. Scene 4th _Tim 

den. The bargain. Song. Rescue of Hugh. Death of O'Rookc. 
Meeting of mother and son. End of the Curse of Pheelim O’Rooke! 









THE CmiUEHGIRL 

DRUMMER. 


A Drama in 3 Acts, by Thorn Melross, for 6 male m-rl 
2 female characters. This piece is immense. It is printed 
fmm the author’s original manuscript, and lias been pro¬ 
duced with great success by the American Theatre Co. 

SYNOPSIS. 

ACT I. Home of the laic KiHiard Marlow. Interview between 
Frank Ross and Lawyer Dudley. The pious deacon and Vercla 
Miller. Reading the will. Joe’s dog collar. Richard Marlow, the 
laue heir. The child of the Dark Continent in trouble. Throe 
villains. “Ten thousand to silence my tongue!” Zadie. the de¬ 
serted wife of John Dudley. An attempted murder. Joe's litt le, 
“barker” iuterleres. Deacon and Joe. Frank and Vefda ; his 
resolve to become a “Coniinei rial Drummer.” Zadie gives Wrdfi a 
b"iue. Mr. Dudley’s proposal to Verda, and the misundersi.-imliug. 

, Murder of Deacon Foote, and Frank accused. The struggle, “life 
or death !’’ 

ACT II. Zadie, Verda, and the tramp. “Painted benches.” 
“My kingdom for some soup!” Booth and Zadie. Attempted 
murder of Zadie: Ashtor. the tramp interferes, and makes Dudlcv 
hand over a “William.” Booth and the Indian. Too much beei. 
.The stolen will. Joe in the barrel. Target shooting. Verda*s 
refusal to marry Dudley. Abduction of Verda, and Joe knocked 
down. 

ACT III. Ashtor and Booth. Corn plasters; “There’s millions 
in them!” Olie. the Swede. Zadie, the Census taker. Two 
“bummers!” Rescue of Verda by Zadie. Frank di-covered by 
Richard, as Booth. “Re must die!” A job for Olio. “In the 
soup!” Hot and cold boxes. Olie and Booth to the rescue of 
Zadie. Explanations. A new version of McGinty. A Jove scene. 
Capture of Verda. Supposed death of Booth. Fright ami death <>f 
Dudley. Capture of Richard. Frank and Verda secure the fortune 
at last. Zadie avenged and the “Commercial Drummer” sells corn 
plasters no more. 


THE 

IntEllig'EncE LlfficE, 

Art original Ethiopian Sketch in 1 Scone for 3 male char¬ 
acters—as produced at Tony Pastor’s Opera House. 
This sketch is extremely ludicrous costumes modern— 
time in representation 15 minutes. 






A NEW PLAY BY LIZZIE MAY ELWYN, AUTHOR OF DOT, 
THE MINER’S DAUGHTER, ENTITLED 



iRaehel,the Fire Waif.l 

* * 

^4 Drama in 4 ads , /or 7 and 4 female characters . 

Time of performance, 2 hours . 


SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS. 

ACT I.— Nathan Ellsworth’s home— Ray asleep—Alarm of fire— 
Ray and Drusilla—“i am a Fire Waif”—The two papers—Report of 
Eugene Burleigh’s death”—Aunt Sophy and Barney get into a row 

Tabitha packs her valise—Elmer and Ray—Nathan and Barney 
arrive with Harvey Jackson, who has assumed the name of Eugene 
Burleigh, who has been rescued from the fire—Drusilla recognizes • 
him—The threat of murder—Barney sings “Swate Little BuLher 
Cup.” 

ACT IT.—Storm—Sophy gives Nathan a piece of her mind—Parson 
Green receives a rough reception—Thunder and lightning—Jackson 
recognizes Parson Green, alias Brock—The threat—Brock relates a 
little story—The plot to murder Elmer Ellsworth and Eugene 
Burleigh - Barney and Tabitha—Storm continues-Elmer starts for 
(he Lighthouse—Jackson and Ray—The wrecked ship—Ray im¬ 
plores Jackson to go to Elmer’s rescue, which he refuses—‘‘Coward, 

I will save him”—Elmer, Ray and Eugene Burleigh—Eugene dis¬ 
guised as Capt. Brown—Drusilla recognizes his voice—Tabitha’s 
oath. 

ACT III.—The forged check—Drusilla again becomes a wanderer 

— Eugene discovers her note to Ray—Abduction of Eugene Burleigh 

— Barney is an eye witness—Jackson accuses Elmer of forging the 
check and helps him to escape—A lost letter—Tabitha, Barney 
and the flour barrel—Jackson tells Ray about the check—‘‘I never 
will believe him guilty”—A three month's promise—Nathan and 
Sophy—“It’s my opinion it’s a put up job”—Barney’s pledge. 

ACT IV.—Ray as the wife of Jackson—The abuse—Jackson and 
Brock—‘‘I’ll be even with you”—‘‘Your doom is sealed”—Nathan, 
Sophy and Elmer in search of Ray—The lost letter turns up, 
which unravels the mystery of Drusilla- Eugene Burleigh gives a 
history of the past, which clears Drusilla of Ihecrimeof murder and 
reveals to Ray that Drusilla is her sister- The explosion, in which 
Jackson is killed—The house enveloped in flames—Firemen rescue 
the party. 

- PRICE 25 CENTS_ 





—THE 
MECHANIC’ 


j£> . 
r '<£ 


- 






isy’ 


REPRIEVE. 


A Drama in 3 acts, by John M. Murphy , for 8 male and 
o female characters. Time of playing 1 
hoar and 50 minutes. 


PRICE 15 CENTS PER COPY.— 


SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS. 

ACT T.—Colonel Harrington informs his daughter Mary, of Lester 
Wilson's intended visit—Dan Trogan and the horses— John Rogers, 
the mechanic—His proposal accepted by Mary—“If a body kiss a 
body”—Annie and Mary—E. Z. Walker, as a tramp, appears—Annie 
interested in the tramp—“Me heart is broke and me back is in the 
same yard,” says Dan—Colonel gives his consent for Wilson to ad¬ 
dress Mary—Mary and Wilson, the proposal rejected—“He’s nothing 
but a mechanic”— -A plot to ruin John Rogers—The stolen money 
and murder of Colonel Harrington—John accused of murder, by 
Wilson— Mary’s faith in her lover—Arrest of Rogers. 

ACT II.—The tramp returns, meets Annie and Dan—Annie tells 
Walker of the murder and the conviction of Rogers—“He hangs to¬ 
day” —“lean and will save him”—Mary intercedes with the Governor 
for a reprieve—The reprieve granted—“A ride for a life”—Walker 
tells the Governor that he murdered Col. Harrington, in order to save 
Rogers—Arrest of Walker, when Louise, Wilson’s wife arrives, and 
swears she saw Lester Wilson murder the Colonel—Wilson and Dan, 
the bribe rejected—Rogers in prison—Wilson visits Rogers—The 
insult—Arrival of Mary with the reprieve—'“Saved, John saved.” 

ACT HI.—A lapse of one year—Home of John and Mary Rogers— 
Walker and Annie as lovers—News of Lester Wilson’s escape from 
prison—Mary’s forbodings—Lester Wilson’s attempt to kill John 
Rogers, but is foiled by Louise—Dan arrests Lester—“Lester Wilson, 
you have wronged me deeply, but I forgive you”—“Come friends, 
let us go in, night’s shadows are closing around us. Its gloomy 
shades are too suggestive of the past, and around the cheery fire¬ 
place I can see tin* faces of the friends, whose love for me was my 
salvation, in the dark days before I was Reprieved. 













NOV 171909 70/ 

LATEST COMEDY DRAMA, 

_ _ - <%■■-> ' • 

Uncle Jed’s Fidelity; 

-OR- / * 



A Comedy Drown, by Bert C. Hawley, iorJTmale and 3 
female characters. Costumes modffi'n. Tune 
oj playing , 2 hoursjm 


- SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS .—- 

Mr. Western, a strong will^fl man, objects to his daughter marry¬ 
ing a poor but honest man, and resolves she shall marry his 1‘riend, 
Donald Reeves, a rich man—Isabel refuses Uncle .led arrives from 
the country and intercedes for Isabel, but Mr. Western refuses to 
believe Donald Reeve a villain — Donald Reeve’s forsaken wife ar¬ 
rives and forbids Donald’s attention to Isabel—Peregrine Splatter 
o\v;rlu-;> jPonald threaten his wife, and becomes his partner for the 
I ,.se ^bringing him to justice—Col. Western drives Isabel from 
uis house—She returns with Uncle Jed to his count ry home—Donald 
Reeves murders his wife ifhd throws the guilt on Isabel’s lover, Robert 
Shelden—II is arrest and imprisonment — Robert escapes and at last 
brings proof that Donald Reeves is the murderer — Donald arrested. 
Uncle Jed, Jasper, the negro, Polly and Peregrine Splatter make up 
the comedy parts—This is a play in which all the characters are 
evenly balanced. Amateurs will find it a good one. Price 15 cts. 


The Obstinate Family. 

A farce in 1 act, for 3 male and 3 female character?. 
Scene, plain room. Everyday costumes. Time, 40 minutes. 
A lover’s quarrel between two servants, grows by a very 
natural process, into what threatens to he a domestic cyclone 
9 of vast proportions. The piece is a mere trilie but a very 
entertaining one. Price, 15 cents. 

froPY nn to cat o»v 

DEC 7 J909 








































































































































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